NEW SERIES: Life Lessons from Lord of the Rings

It seems like this has been a summer for "lack of writing inspiration," ha!! I haven't written at all since I arrived home a month ago! I meant to...I just didn't.

Well.....................I definitely did get some inspiration recently!
I've been excitedly watching through the Lord of the Rings trilogy,
with two of my favorite kids ever...Ella & Ethan!
There are movies I could never get tired of watching, and I'm so glad that I got to re-experience them with those two! We all thoroughly enjoyed watching, and I loved getting to explain different parts to them, and get them involved in such a great story line!

I absolutely adore these movies, not only because they are so epic and amazing in their execution {not to mention one of the most incredible music scores I've ever heard...thank you Howard Shore!}, but because there is so much depth to it. When JRR Tolkien wrote the novels, he created characters we could benefit from. He used words that would touch our hearts and make us think...teach us lessons.

And with that said, I introduce my new series...

Life Lessons from Lord of the Rings

And to kick off this series, I'm starting with the character from whom I personally learned the most...

Samwise Gamgee 

So what can we learn from our friend Sam?

To me, Samwise Gamgee is the very definition of a BEST FRIEND!

"I made a promise...Gandalf said, 'Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee.' And I don't mean to. I don't mean to."

What a display of loyalty! There was one point when Frodo dismissed him, having been influenced by Gollum and the Ring. Sam was devastated, and couldn't understand. But even then, he could only stay away for so long. He went after Frodo...and in the moment when he thought he found Frodo dead, he begged Frodo to hold on, saying, "Please don't go...Don't go where I can't follow." How beautiful is it, that even after Frodo left him behind...even though he would never be able to predict what was going to happen next...even though he was utterly exhausted from his journey...all he wanted to do was continue following his friend! 

And of course I cannot neglect to mention THIS SCENE...which never fails to make me cry...

He sees Frodo's strength is failing him as the trudge their way up Mount Doom, and although they are so close to Mordor and finally destroying the Ring, Frodo is no longer able to move. And this is how Sam responds...

"I can't carry it for you. But I CAN CARRY YOU!"

NOW THAT IS WHAT A TRUE BEST FRIEND DOES!

Sam was not meant to carry the ring. Frodo was.

It's the same for us. We are not meant to carry our friends' burdens...nor are we responsible to do so. But, we are to be there to help carry our friends THROUGH the struggles and burdens that they face.

{I wish I had learned this lesson a lot earlier than I did. Trying to carry someone else's burdens is never what we were meant to do...and it will only hurt us...as it would've hurt Sam to try and carry the ring.}

My final point about Samwise Gamgee brings me to my absolute favorite quote in the entire trilogy!

SAM: “It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.”
FRODO: “What are we holding onto, Sam?” 
SAM: “That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for”

Samwise the Encourager. That's what I like to call him here.

Frodo was done...on the verge of giving up. But Sam was there with these beautiful words of encouragement for him. Sam held onto his hope...his faith. When Frodo couldn't, Sam had enough faith and hope for the both of them.

The above quote can make a great life philosophy too! I even used it as my facebook status several days ago :))

I pray that I always be the kind of friend that Sam was to Frodo. 

And I HOPE that all of you have a friend like this in your life! I know I do, and I am so thankful for her!

Can't wait to keep this series going! I've enjoyed writing this first post! Keep watching for more!

Back in Indiana...

I have one word to describe what being back in Indiana feels like...

BITTERSWEET.

Now why would I say that?
Because just in the past month, in Miami, here's what has happened...

I fought my constant up & down "battles" but I ultimately learned to how be happy again...even on the days it really took work. I learned how to let things go, and make a conscious choice to keep myself "up" as best I could.

There's no way I could have done that here.

I found a church that I absolutely LOVE with some beautifully genuine people!

I realized that that's what had been missing before, and why I felt so unhappy and {too often} lonely.

I developed a fully new sense of confidence in myself. I learned how to be myself and be comfortable with myself. {you can read about that HERE!!}

Again, this never would have happened, had I stayed at home.

I made some amazing friends in the studio too! Wonderful people, whom I truly feel were SUPPOSED to be in my life...and now I can't even imagine my life without them! I am happy that I allowed myself to become close with people again.

I fully realized how much I love every single one of the girls who came through that studio every week. I get attached to any group of students I have, of course. But I've only been with these girls for six months! And they've all come so far! My little ones have fallen into a good rhythm, and my older girls progressed so much in their technique in such a short period of time! I have such a strong desire to stick with them!

So yes, I do plan to return to Miami in the fall. And I am very excited about that.

{note: right now, I know that some of you are recalling the fact that I tend to make decisions only to change my mind later...believe me, I know that I do this...well, if you keep reading you'll see why this is not the case this time around.}

Here's the "bitter" part of the word BITTERSWEET...I was sad to leave. In fact I was really sad to leave. I was finally adjusted. I had become happier than I had ever been. Ever. I've been kind of afraid that I'm going to lose that...but I can't think that way now.

Now the "sweet" part of the word BITTERSWEET, is that I am very excited to spend a summer with my close friends here. I am also very excited to teach a summer session with several of my former students, whom I missed a great deal! It will be good, I know that, and I'll enjoy it! But I am okay with not staying for good now. I have a ton of things to look forward to upon returning to Miami. Some new opportunities that I can hardly wait to take advantage of...the chance to do exactly what I love, ALL.THE.TIME.

How many people can say that?

I truly never thought I would be saying that.

I have felt until recently that my life didn't have much significance. 

While I never questioned God's existence, and I never questioned that He would always be ever present in the lives of people I cared about, I really didn't think I mattered enough to Him.

I see now how wrong I was. He provides. He has brought some unbelievably wonderful people into my life, and He's provided one opportunity after another. From a place to live, to other career opportunities, to new opportunities in the studio as well.

I am just excited to see what is coming next...and finally not scared of it anymore. 

My book! My book! My book!

I've known for awhile now that I wanted to write a book.
But my previous vision for it was a little bit different. It's taken a turn recently, but I think the NEW plans I have for it are going to work even better than what I originally had in mind.

you can read about my original idea RIGHT HERE!

And I hope you do read that post, because my new idea is still going to consist of everything you see there, and it's still going to be sending the same messages to the same audience...
The only thing that's going to change is that it's going to be a story...a novel...not non fiction.

 This novel is going to combine three of my biggest passions in the world
...ballet, mental health, && adoption...

I will write a lot more about this book as soon as I have the entire plot worked out. Right now it's kind of all in my head and needs to be organized. So once that happens, I'll give you all a much better description.

So wish me luck! I really love to write...I think it's something I could really be good at...and I think it's going to be the best way for me to get my heart out there. And if it helps or encourages even one person, that will be enough for me.

Fitting a mold...no more!

It took me a really long time to get to this point...

But I am finally, finally, FINALLY comfortable with the idea of LETTING GO...and being myself.

Not trying to fit any mold or idea of what someone else wants me to be. 

For years now, I have been tied down by fear...completely terrified of not being accepted, of not being loved {or even liked!}, of being abandoned by friends &/or driving them away...so I was always very careful  about how I acted around people I wanted to keep in my life. I spent so much time "tiptoeing" around, constantly recreating myself according to what I thought everyone else would want. I wanted to be the girl who was wanted...the girl that people wanted to stick around for.

Now what do you think came of that?

If you think that all of this resulted in a girl who DID feel wanted, loved, and accepted by the people around her, you would be wrong.

No, I became the girl who constantly second guessed herself...who was afraid to open her mouth and speak...who never truly trusted anyone to stay, because everyone eventually leaves...who didn't even know who she really was.

That girl didn't feel like she was worth anyone's time or love...let alone worth staying for. And it seemed as though these thoughts were just reaffirmed over, & over, & OVER AGAIN...for almost a decade!

And that girl finally broke...because who was she really? Was she capable of being anything at all, to anyone at all? And did she even deserve to be here? 

A couple of weeks ago, I said goodbye to that girl.

She's GONE.

I released all of that.

And you know what??

For two weeks now, I have known what it really feels like to be happy and not have to TRY! For two weeks now, I have allowed myself to let people in, believing that if I was just myself, they would love me for me. And I have come to the realization that there are some wonderful, genuine people in my life...and then there are some who aren't. And that's okay, because I'm not going to change them no matter what I do to try and change MYSELF, and I don't need those people in my life.

Now OF COURSE...I realize that life always comes with challenges. No one can be happy all the time. I know that. I mean, even within these last two weeks, as good as things have been, I've still come across some upsetting things. And there are still many, many things that I need to learn how to deal with. There are no "quick fixes" for the {lots of} years of struggles I went through. I am only saying that now I know that I don't have to have such a firm grasp & perfect control of absolutely everything in my life. I CAN allow myself to be comfortable with the way things happen, and becoming a person who is happy with herself.

Even during the times when I will find it difficult to hold onto this {and there will be times like that}, I know that I will come through those times...with some help and support of course...and I have that :))

Guys...it is so much easier to do it this way. So much easier.

So here we are...I have finally figured out how to be brave.

Funny how it only took about 10 years :))

An issue that has always been close to my heart

Today I watched a movie that I've been meaning to watch for a while now. I just kind of forgot about it.

It's called "October Baby"...and it's an adoption story, which is what drew me to it in the first place...being that I am adopted myself.

{Now...before I say anything else...this is just ME sharing the thoughts from my heart. This is not meant to be a controversial post. If you have different opinions or views about what I'm writing, that is completely fine, of course. But please, I have to request right off the bat, don't turn this into a debate. That's not what I intend for this to be, and I don't wanna go there. Thank you.}

In this movie, the main character, Hannah Lawson has just found out she is adopted at the age of 19. And not only was she adopted, but she was the survivor of a failed abortion. 

The reason for this "big reveal" from her doctors and adoptive parents is because she was facing all sorts of health issues that resulted from premature birth. 

Following this discovery, Hannah goes on a trip with her friends to find out more about her biological mother.

Okay, now, first of all...I was amazed at how much I could relate to Hannah.

Right at the beginning of the movie, a page from her journal is read aloud.

It sounded just like a page straight out of my own journal. 

She struggled with her identity...feelings of being unwanted...feelings of guilt for even being alive...questioning what could be missing in her life and why she even exists at all. 

She was never the "popular girl" in school and never felt like she fit in anywhere. 

She is very hypersensitive and feels like she's constantly being looked down upon or judged by the people around her. She thinks she is a problem, that she's a burden, and that no one actually wants her around...that they are just being polite. Even if absolutely none of this is the case, that's the way her mind operates, so that's how she feels.

every.single.day

I struggle with these exact same things.

every.single.day

this is how I feel.

And not even just every day.

Every MINUTE of every day.

I do my best to block it out...to stay busy...to pretend I don't feel this way. But there's only so much a person can do.

But see, here's the worst part for me...

and why I had a difficult time with this movie...

I struggle with these things, and I KNEW about my adoption.

I knew about it before I could even really understand it. 

And growing up, I had no resentment about it towards my birth mother or my adoptive parents. In fact I was proud of it. I wasn't at all shy about it. I talked about it openly...even when it resulted in ridicule from my schoolmates when I was in Jr. High. Even then, I never harbored anger toward anyone about my adoption. If anything, being adopted is the whole reason I am so passionate about my pro-life views. That's no secret.

So...having said that...I will also say that I've recently discovered that many people who have been adopted feel the way I do. Even when they know about it from the beginning, like I did. I wish this was not the case. I wish so badly that I didn't feel this way...but I do. And I've been having such a difficult time with it recently. And this movie, I suppose, kind of forced me to open up these issues and face them.

Which brings me to one other point...

How in the world could an adoptive parent keep such a secret like Hannah's parents did?

If I struggle with stuff like this and I already know about my adoption, I can't imagine having gone through 19 years of life not knowing...all the while struggling through life...and then having such a huge bombshell dropped on me like that.

Why would you not tell your child right from the beginning that they are adopted?

How would someone deal with their lifetime of struggles knowing that?

I can't even put my thoughts into words anymore.

I realize that Hannah is a fictional character...but she represents many others out there who are questioning who they are, and they don't even know why.

I'm sorry, but that just feels very very wrong to me.

Why I don't like weekends lately {yes, it's true}

Usually when Friday comes, the majority of {normal} people are relieved! The work week is over. People get a break. They get to stay home and relax and/or spend time with their families.

All around me the phrase "thank God it's Friday" is expressed in one form or another.

As for me, I can't describe Friday that way. Not lately. Not anymore.

From high school on through college, I always waited anxiously for Friday! I really didn't like school, so any break I got from it...even just a normal two day weekend...was incredibly welcome. I liked the idea of allowing my brain and body to rest. I liked the idea of getting some extra sleep. And I really liked the idea of having some free time...a rarity in my life for several years in a row...to spend time with friends, to read, to go to various events, etc.

Now, Friday comes, and it's like someone flipped a switch in my brain.

I've actually been doing really well...during the week.

I am busy, happy and excited about what I am doing...during the week.

But when the weekend comes...

Everything around here becomes very quiet.

It's always a wonderful Friday night here. I always enjoy it.

But still, I am reminded that tomorrow is a "free day" and that I won't be busy.

And then suddenly, I get stuck in my head again. 

And it always goes to places I don't want it to...

Things that bother me...people I miss...stuff I am worried or concerned about.

And I can't stop it. Ever. It's like a runaway freight train.

It's like, during the week, I don't have time to think about stuff.

During the week, I never slow down enough to stop and get caught up in the constant war of activity happening in my head. Nor do I have any desire to because I'm usually feeling good during the week. There's no need to revisit those {not so pleasant} places.

But as soon as anything starts to slow down...BAM!

And it's always Friday night. Without fail. Always Friday night. 

I don't really know why this happens or if there is a way to fix it {I mean, I'm sure there is. I just haven't found it yet}...but right now, I'm sorry but I really hate Friday nights and Saturdays. And all because it's a time to rest, relax, and enjoy?! Seriously, am I really that high strung that I can't even do that?! 

I don't really feel like venturing further into this. I'm afraid of letting it turn into a never-ending, pointless rant. This post really seems ridiculous even now. I am hesitant to hit the publish button.

But...here we are.

Never, ever, ever...

Just because it's fun...

ANNNNDDD because it gives my brain something to focus on, which I am ALWAYS thankful for...

I'm linking up with Neely who blogs over at A Complete Waste of Makeup for "Never, ever, ever." Neely's got some GREAT posts on her blog! I'm constantly on it and reading what she writes...and I can relate to her too :)

Never will you ever hear me say any of these things:

{1}

I'm going to go an entire day without using the internet.

{2}

I'm pulling an all-nighter for no reason at all. I just want to.

{3}

I hate warm weather.

{4}

I'm going to take a completely spontaneous vacation.

{5}
I'm going to give up sugar...or carbs...or dairy...or meat.

{6}
Why, yes! I am happy to let this little girl/boy play with my phone! ((seriously though, don't even ask if your child can play on my iphone! The answer is NO!))

{7}
I'm too old for Disney Channel.

{8}
I don't need any more dresses.

{9}
Justin Bieber rocks my world!

{10}
Don't even worry about the grammar! Just use it the way it is!

24 before 24

Okay, so I've been 23 for about two and a half months already.
So I have a little less than a year to complete this list...but I've been wanting to write a list like this for awhile. Especially since I see them all over the blogosphere! People have some great lists going, and I love reading them, and getting inspired by them.

So here is mine! It took a really long time! But it was fun!
And before any of you wonder...no I don't think I'm asking too much of myself here. I think these are all very obtainable goals! I wouldn't have added them to the list if I didn't think I actually COULD do them. Plus, since they are here on the blog, I can hold myself accountable. I'll be crossing things off as I accomplish them...which I think will feel very good :))

24 before 24

{1}

Finish 24 books (0/24)

[It started off as 50, and then I realized that that would mean reading 5 books a month for 10 months. Yeah, I don't think that will work...LOL...so I'll stick with the "24" theme!]

{two}

Learn & perfect the Cupid Variation from the ballet Paquita [Bonus: Do it on pointe!]

{3}

Try creating five crafts pinned on my pinterest boards [or even more if I so choose!]

{four}

Reach my goal weight [& do it in a healthy way] 

{5}

Audition for at least five vocal competitions

{six}

Start practicing the piano again [Bonus: Learn to play at least one piece perfectly, that I've never played before]

{7}

Go to a water park

{eight}

Take one [or two...or three] of my dance students to a competition

{9}

Send letters along with other encouraging things to at least ten people

{ten}

Go sledding in the winter [this one obviously won't happen for awhile]

{11}

Perform the aria "Sempre Libera" from the opera La Traviata [one of the most difficult & vocally demanding soprano pieces of the opera world]

{twelve}

Gain 50 followers on this blog...doable!

{13}

Choreograph a dance that actually MEANS something...dedicated to a special cause or person...something that would make an impact on the people watching.

{fourteen}

Write [and finish...like, for real!] a short story

{15}

Host a tea party for all of the little girls I know and their dolls!

[I have seriously always wanted to do this! How much fun would it be?!?]

{sixteen}

Go sailing this summer!!!

{17}

Take a Chicago trip and take the time to actually explore...for more than a day!

{eighteen}

Get past my "fear of falling" in ballet

[explained in more depth later]

{19}

Decorate my own apartment

{twenty}

Speak publicly about my passion for mental & emotional illness

{21}

Have a vintage photo shoot either by myself, or with friends

{twenty two}

Go on a "coffee date" at least once a week with a friend...old friends & new friends

{23}

Take more pictures

{twenty four}

Pray for and believe in miracles every single day

If you ever wanted to know...

I've been super excited to write this entry! It's a little late now (I meant to write it yesterday), but the lovely Erin, who blogs over at Living In Yellow started something awesome! She asked some questions of herself, and she encouraged her readers to do the same.

Personally, it got me excited because it's another excuse to practice writing! And one of my commitments was to keep up my writing. {you can read my post about commitment HERE!} But at the same time, the questions you're about to see really got me thinking. And it got my mind focused on something other than things that drive me crazy with worry! And this, my friends, is a very good thing.

So here we go...a "self interview" of sorts! And thanks, Erin for the awesome questions!

{one} If you could do one thing differently in your life, what would it be?
Okay, why would this question ask for just ONE thing?? There are actually quite a few things in my life that I would do differently. But I suppose, after giving it some thought, I came up with the one thing that would probably be most important, and that would have had an impact on everything else. I would have gotten help for my depression/anxiety disorder sooner. I would have been braver and not worried about what anybody else {who should have been supporting me} thought about medication or therapy. I would have put their judgments out of my mind, and done what's best for ME. If I had done that, maybe I would've done so much better in getting through school. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten so sick {and you can read about that HERE!!} and I wouldn't be plagued by panic attacks as often as I have been. There are a whole lot of "maybes" & "could have beens" that come with this. I really wish I would have had more courage.

{two} Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
This question really is hard because, to be honest, I don't even know where I see myself 5 DAYS from now, much less 5 years! Every day I feel differently about something. Some days I am motivated to try something new or work toward some goal, and the next day I won't be. The fact is, I really don't even know what I really want to do! I supposed I could say that by the time 5 years rolls around, I would hope that I would have been dancing in a company for at least 4 of those years. And yes, that is the one thing I want the most, for sure...but since it's only a {very small} possibility, I can't actually picture myself in that scenario yet. Not until the opportunity gets closer and becomes more real.

{three} Do you honestly want kids?
That's a resounding YES! And, of course, that shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me :)) However, I don't really know how many. Sometimes I am so sure that I only want one, because I don't think I could handle the craziness of having more than one. Plus I'm not sure if I would have the energy for more than one. But then other times, I feel that if I am set in the way I am raising them, having more than one would be something I would want.

{four} What has been the best moment of your life so far?
I took some time to think about this question...and at first I was afraid that I didn't have an answer. But then I remembered. I think it was the moment I found out that my opera professor had cast me as Mimi in "La Boheme"! He handed out everyone else's roles and opera selections, leaving mine for the end, then he acted like he'd forgotten about me. When the joke finally ended, and he told me what I would be singing that year, I immediately clasped my hands over my face and I swear I stopped breathing for a good minute! Even after he jokingly tossed my music score in my lap when I didn't take it from him. Too stunned! When it hit me, I began bouncing up and down in my chair as I flipped through the music, never more excited to work on anything! And incidentally, I can say that I enjoyed EVERY moment thereafter of the rehearsal process!

{five} What is your life theme song?
Wow! This one probably took the longest! I have so much music in my life...between being a dancer, choreographer, and singer! I looked through all of the playlists I had on my computer, and I finally came across the right one...and it made me think, DUH!! Because it should have been obvious from the beginning. It's "Sparrow" by Audrey Assad. For two reasons: It's a constant reminder of how much God loves us. "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He's watching me." AND..."Little Sparrow" is my nickname {as you can see from my header} given to me by my sweet friend Lisa, who I also call "Mamma Bird". So that song holds a special place in my heart because we kind of dubbed that as "our song".

{six} What is one thing you have yet to accomplish that you want to before you die?
I want to be able to say that I loved God more than anything else in my life.

{seven} If you could be known for one thing, what would it be?
I want to be known as someone who made a positive impact on others. Someone who was inspiration. Someone who helped people grow.

{eight} If you could do anything you wanted to right in this very moment (no consequences, no fear, etc), what would it be?
I would plan a trip all over the world for as long as I wanted to as many places as I wanted so I could see absolutely everything I've always wanted to see, and then some! If only that was possible!

{nine} What has been the most challenging moment in your life?
Surprisingly {and maybe unfortunately?} this was the easiest question to come up with an answer for. I didn't even have to think about it. The most challenging moment I've ever experienced was 5 days before I left Indiana to move to Florida. I was standing at my best friend's bedside as she cried so much that she could barely speak above a whisper, and she told me that she wasn't sure if she could hang on anymore. Knowing how true that was at the time {and how high the possibility was of losing her}, I was unable to be strong for her in that moment. I hurt like I had never hurt before. I didn't know how to handle it. In fact, I wasn't handling it at all. I thank God that she is still here, and that she has been given a reason to live again. But seriously, every time I allow myself to relive that moment, my stomach ties up in knots. I can't imagine ever feeling that way again.

{ten} Summarize yourself in one word.
Growing.

And that's all folks! :))
I challenge you to ask yourselves questions like this. In fact, I'd love to see what some of your answers are! Answer some of them in the comments! Or write your own self-interview...and then let me know where it is so I can read it too :)

It's okay!

Today I'm participating in my first link-up, ever! Now, for my "non-blogger" friends who don't know what a link-up is...it's for bloggers to connect with other bloggers, & get to know the people we follow. It's always sounded fun for me because I knew it would get me writing, & force me to use my creativity. So my very first link-up is called "It's OK" Thursdays. I discovered it through Neely, who blogs over at A Complete Waste of Makeup. Neely is a really awesome girl, and I love following her blog! You should too :) And now, here we go with "It's OK"... It's OK...
That I had [more than one...ok, maybe more than two] spoonfuls of Nutella on bread today... Never mind that I am supposed to be eating HEALTHY! Haha...I know better than to deprive myself of foods that I love. So this morning, I had Nutella. But, because I always feel like I need to justify my food intake, I guess Nutella is better than just chocolate :)
That I have been watching episode after episode of "Friends" & "Full House"... Sometimes I just need something mindless & hilarious enough to make me laugh, especially at night. Both shows offer me that. Plus, I used to watch "Full House" when I was little, so it's fun watching them again.  
That I skipped a day of pointe work yesterday... My poor quads...& calves...& ankles have been so sore. And all that means is that I've been working hard! So I think my pointe shoes deserved the day off. Of course, they'll go right back on today :)
That I took a bit of a blogging hiatus {again}... I was home for 2 weeks and I didn't really have time to write. And since I've been back, I just haven't felt up for it. I often question whether or not I should even continue writing here. It's no secret that I get a lot of judgement for what I say on this blog.   That I write from my heart... Having said that, my blog is my outlet. It's space for me to share what is going on in my life...my joys AND my struggles! The days when I am feeling on top of the world AND the days when I am waaaaayyyyy down in the pit. I choose to write, because I don't think the words that come from my heart are something that should be kept secret. I follow some incredible blogging ladies, who write so beautifully and intricately from the deepest parts of themselves. I love to read what they write, and they inspire me so much! And since I am so much better at expressing myself in the written word than in person, I choose to write from my heart. Those of you to prefer to keep things inside, I'm glad that works for you...really! But I am not that person. I refuse to "recreate" myself to fit someone else's description of how I SHOULD be.
That I honestly can't stand the Florida heat... And it's okay because it gives me an excuse to jump in the pool! :)
That I decided to sleep {a lot!} extra this morning... Sleep is a huge part of being healthy. Days that I get to sleep longer are days that I will ALWAYS take advantage of.
That I've never done a link-up until now!... Better late than never, I like to think! And this was fun! I can't wait to try others!

Needing to be honest & a little harsh

I have an early flight in the morning.
And right now it is 12:33 AM.

I should be so happy right now. So excited. So ready. I'm going HOME finally. I get to do all of the things I've missed, and see all of the people I've missed.

I've been over the moon about this for a whole week now! I've had a lot of [happy] butterflies in my stomach. I've been ready for this. I AM ready for this!

But right now...

I'm afraid to go to sleep. Really. Like, afraid. Terrified even.
I had a [small...thankfully] panic attack over my flight. Not the flight itself...I've flown enough to be used to the actual experience of flying...but the process that happens the day before the flight. Packing, checking in online, printing boarding passes...

...making sure everything is...well...PERFECT. SET. READY. NO MISTAKES.
Because if there are any mistakes, something will go wrong. And if something goes wrong, then...then...then...

It doesn't matter what the "then" is. It could be several things actually. But it doesn't matter. The cycle begins and I haven't learned how to make it stop. So it starts, snowballs, and grows and grows until my heart rate goes up, my temperature fluctuates, and my hands, feet, & face begin to go numb. I'm suddenly panicking.
Usually when I get to this point I can talk myself down from it. I also have medicine that helps to slow down the panic, within minutes! Thankfully, this was not as bad as it has gotten in the past.
However, it's bad enough to prevent me from going to sleep. And that's because my biggest fears tend to manifest themselves in my dreams. I am afraid of having nightmares about flying. I wasn't thinking about this at all before, but my brain went there just within the past several minutes. It's one of the many "curses" of having anxiety disorder.

So why am I telling you all of this?

Well, I guess I just want people to see how REAL this is. And if you've never experienced it before, you have no idea what it's like. I haven't experienced a panic attack since before I left to come to Florida. I actually thought they were over. And since I've been in FL, I've been completely ashamed of my anxiety. I've always tried to tell people about it and what it's like, but lately I've just felt like there's really no point. People aren't going to get it unless they suffer from this themselves. I'm honestly getting tired of hearing people say, "Oh, just replace the negative thoughts with something positive." or "You just need to stay positive...be happy with yourself." As if it's THAT EASY!! If it was that simple, don't you think I would have tried that already? Don't you think I haven't thought of that? Do you realize how much time I spend inside my head, trying...so...hard to rid myself of the negative thoughts? And I can't! CAN'T! C-A-N-'T! If I could control it...if I had a way to make it go away...believe me, I would be doing it.

This doesn't happen because I want attention {as if I would want to MAKE this happen!}.

This doesn't happen because I'm too "self absorbed".

And the worst part, is that this is how people see it.

I really hope people read this, and "hear me" when I say that G.A.D (generalized anxiety disorder) is a physiological AND physical issue that I can't control by simply "thinking positively". It takes a lot of work and good medication. And I'm not ashamed of that. So why do people constantly feel the need to minimize my pain, criticize the way I talk about it, and make me feel guilty for experiencing the things I do? For thinking the way that I do? When I can't help it!

I know this post seems harsh and angry. I think it's mostly because I'm so tired. So I do apologize for that. But I just really want people to be aware of the reality here.  

And now it's time to TRY and go to sleep. And if nightmares happen...well, I guess I will figure out how to deal with them in the morning.

Good night, everyone. Thank you for reading.

Choosing to Commit

Before I write anything at all, I have to admit...
I am really doubting myself right now.
I say things like this all the time...but anytime I "decide" I am going to commit to something, it never sticks. I'll be motivated one day, and the next I'll find a reason why I don't feel like continuing. As a result, of course, I get way down on myself for "failing again", and then I'm too hesitant to commit to anything else.
I still am not sure why I do this. I think, deep down, I am terribly afraid of not doing things perfectly. I mean, I've always known that, but I think it's even more so than I thought it was. I don't know.
So now, as I prepare to write a post about committing to certain things in my life, my brain is automatically thinking, "Yeah right. How long is THIS ONE going to last?"

I am wondering if I need to take a new approach with this.
Not sure how, or what it would need to be, but somehow I need to change my way of thinking. I'll have to take some time to figure that one out.

Anyway...onto the POINT of this post...

I woke up feeling pretty good this morning! And I had a great ballet class. It's one of those days where I am going to feel motivated, so I have to take advantage of it...and hope it sticks this time [again, gotta figure that out].

Now, I have one little request:

Could I get some accountability from friends who may be reading this? I, like so many others, do much better at keeping up with things if someone is encouraging me and helping me stay focused on my goals.

Okay, so from here on out,

I CHOOSE TO COMMIT...

to writing...

Whether that means writing here in this blog, or working on the book[s] ideas[s] swirling around in my head just desperate to get written! Sometimes I like to think that I write at least halfway decently. From elementary school through high school, I was always complimented on my writing skills, and told I was very creative with my words. Then in college, I got ripped apart by English professors. So of course, I automatically assumed that my skills were just never good enough. I shouldn't be writing because I don't have a gift for words. Now, I will say that, often times, my words can get very jumbled...and I tend to move away from the point easily. But all that means is that I just need to practice. So that's what I am going to do...practice writing SOMETHING. And if I can't manage to do it every day, at least as often as possible.

to ballet...

I'm going to tell you all what my ultimate goal is for ballet right now: Ballet Magnificat! I did some research, and I realized that if I train for the next year, I can hope to be able to audition and get into their trainee program {the oldest you can be is 24 and that's how old I'd be!!}. Of course, I'd have to train with them for awhile before having any chance of being in the company...but the company travels everywhere! All over the world! Which is something else I've always wanted to do. So in committing to ballet, I have to make it a priority to work every.single.day to get back into my best shape. Company shape. I will have to stretch daily, and full out. I will have to work very hard and focus in class and not allow myself to get sloppy {which is easy to do in such a big class...the teacher is wonderful, but he can't pay attention to all of us}. Get back on pointe {gonna have to wait until summer to start that, though}. I need to get back into lyrical/modern classes too. So many other things...I know what they are. But the biggest thing I'm going to have to figure out is how to do all of this even on the days when I am feeling exhausted and days when I am feeling down. I guess that brings me to my next thing...

to being healthy...

This means making sure I sleep, no matter what that takes. If I have to take melatonin or some form of sleep aid, I guess I will have to do that. I'm not sure why the idea of going to sleep at night makes me feel so uneasy, even scared, sometimes {another story for another time}, but I can't do this whole staying awake until I am falling asleep on the sofa anymore.

This means making sure I eat the right foods...and enough of it...and not too much of it. If any of you read my recent post about my eating disorder, then I don't really need to go into detail about the food thing right now.

This means keeping up with exercise even if I feel too tired. That's really hard for me, so it will probably be hard to start out, but I'm going to have to try.

to prayer...

I pray for other people all the time. In fact I enjoy doing that. But I feel as though I have really distanced myself from God lately. For some reason, praying for myself makes me feel uncomfortable, or like I don't deserve what I am asking for. I don't doubt His existence or that He is here...in fact I have never been more sure that He listens and answers. So I am not sure why I can't ask Him for his help with these things that I've listed above. I need help in fighting my depression and anxiety disorder...and I need help in learning how to overcome my self-image and food issues. Of course, I do realize that these things are going to take WORK! My prayers for help and my choice to surrender my struggles cannot be passive. I have to do what I need to do in order to get through this stuff. But I'm done trying to do it on my own. I recognize my need for God's help & His guidance. And I am prepared to watch for the little "signals" and opportunities He places in my path.  

Today, I feel like I can do these things.

...tomorrow I may not.

<< in fact, I know that I probably won't. >>

But that is not a good enough reason for me not to try! I am going to try! And if I mess up {which we all do}, then I try again. But I guess this is why I asked for accountability at the beginning of this post. Because it's one thing for me to say I'll try again, but knowing the way my mind works, I won't always be good about thinking this way. So I really hope it doesn't sound too selfish of me to ask for all the help and encouragement I can get, friends!

Thanks for reading!

Hope your week is starting out beautifully!

A Reason to Break the Silence

I'm taking a chance and stepping out to write another very difficult entry here. 

Back in September, I wrote a post about my struggle with an eating disorder. It was absolutely the most difficult thing I had ever done. It was scary for me to be so vulnerable...but necessary at the same time.

{If you didn't read my story, take time to read it RIGHT HERE!!}

For a good while, I was glad I blogged about my story. I believe that our lives & our hearts are meant to be shared, and when we are in our darkest moments, we need the support of other people around us. I also wanted to use my story to help someone else who may have been struggling. And even after writing about it, I was still very vocal and open about my eating disorder. I didn't want to just keep holding onto it and lying about it. I had spent way to much time doing that.

But after awhile, I wondered if writing that entry and choosing to be so transparent was a mistake.

Even though people acted very supportive and understanding, I could still see some of their stunned reactions and how they shied away from me quickly after they found out. although that didn't happen with everyone. i was very grateful for the ones who truly were sincere.

So, I decided to keep silent again. 

And a couple of weeks ago when a new trigger threatened to cause a "relapse", I chose to tell no one, figuring I would either deal with it myself, or not deal with it at all. For a few days, my answer was to not even deal with it. I let myself revert back to old habits and went without food. And I didn't even understand it. I had been doing so well. I was recovering well. I was eating full meals and enjoying them. I didn't understand why it was so easy for me to fall back into this again.

Nothing about it felt good. Especially since I was keeping it to myself.

THEN...

a couple of days ago...

my friend Bellinda received some difficult news about a friend of hers with cancer.

I won't share all of the details here. But I'll tell you what struck me the most...

He lost ten pounds in a week...because he COULDN'T eat.

couldn't eat.

It was like someone grabbed me and shook me...hard! I had never || ever || felt so guilty for what I had been thinking!

I had a horrible moment of thinking, "What on earth is wrong with me?" How is it that while he is suffering and unable to eat, I am choosing not to eat? While he is so sick and losing weight so fast because he doesn't have a choice, I risk MAKING myself sick [again] in order to lose weight fast and I DO have a choice! 

I knew then, I couldn't keep up the silence. I had to talk about what I was feeling. So I did. And it was the biggest weight off of my shoulders! Finally having support again gave me strength to face this again. 

So that's what I'm doing...facing it.

Now, of course I have to recognize that anorexia is still an illness. And I won't be overcoming it by feeling guilty all the time. It is a result of major anxiety and self image issues that I need to address first, because the fact is that I can't help feeling the way I sometimes do. 

I really would love to see a therapist, but I can't afford it for the time being. 

And that's why I'm choosing to break my silence. Because the fact is, I need the support if I'm going to face this. I know how up and and down it's going to be. Because that's how it's always been. Take today for example...today I ate very well. I felt good about it and I was motivated by it. Tomorrow could be a whole different story. Food could easily become frightening to me again.

So...

here we are again friends.

I'm here to say that I'm going to start working on this, again. I am confident that through the support & prayer of friends & family who love me...&& eventually with therapy...I can get past this once and for all.  

And please believe me when I say, I WANT THIS! Truly! Even on the days when I make it very clear that I have no desire to work at it {and I will have days like that}, I do want to find healing.

I am very blessed and thankful to have friends who choose to walk alongside of me. Thank you for allowing me to share about this difficult topic in my life. And, most importantly thank you for STAYING! 

A little "self evaluation"...

Before I say anything else, I just HAVE to make a point to say this.....

***
In just 9 days...

I will be flying home to Indiana for two weeks!
I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to spend time with my friends, family & cousins, go back to my home church, and take ballet class at Southold again!
I have no idea what the results of this trip are going to be, but I am hopeful that it is going to be helpful, more than anything else.

***

Okay, now I'll move on.
Can you believe we are almost a quarter way through 2013 already?!?
When I realized that, I had to stop and think about it for a moment. It didn't seem real. Time has really flown by, and I've been in Florida for pretty much all of it. It's been an adventure so far, and I'm glad I decided to do it, for several reasons...

{one}

I got away from the difficult Indiana winter. 

Winters have always been very hard for me to deal with. I never could tolerate the gloominess & lack of sunshine very well. And there were, more often than not, several days when just walking from my house to my car was enough to make me cry sometimes...not kidding...because it was so cold! So obviously, winter is not my season...at least not up north...and up there, winter lasts a very, very, long time. I can't even say how much I've appreciated the sunshine and warmth that I've found here in Miami. I never took it for granted for one day. I loved being able to go outside and walk around the area wearing my sundresses in the middle of February. And the consistent sunshine was a HUGE enhancement for my mood! 

{two}

I've met some great people...who are WORTH keeping in my life.

When I first got here, I think the most difficult part was that I didn't really know anyone, and I was having a very hard time meeting people and making friends. And I missed my close friends back home so terribly. I still do, and like I said before, I am super excited to see them! But slowly, after giving it some time, and allowing things to happen naturally, I began to form connections that turned into friendships that I definitely want to keep. There are some very lovely ladies in the area, and I've had good times with them! I've also met several girls in their 20s and I enjoy them greatly. And not only that, but I became very close very fast with Angie while working and learning to sew at the Design Lab {read about that HERE!!} and in the process, developed a new skill that I can't wait to continue pursuing! 

{three}

I was able to prove to myself that I was capable of something big.

Talk about a big move...from Indiana to Florida. That's quite a long way. I've never been one to take risks, and I've never been one to step out and try something that was WAY out of my comfort zone because I was too scared and I allowed my anxiety to get in the way all too often. Coming here and adjusting to a completely new environment, practically by myself {although not really...thank GOD for Bellinda's family!}, leaving my best friends behind, and having to start completely over...that was a MAJOR accomplishment for me! Absolutely hands down the hardest thing I've ever done! But I did it.

Even though sometimes I really don't know if I'm happy here or not, I am at least happy to say that coming here was a good idea, overall.

Even though I'm really not sure where I want to end up {it literally changes every day}, this was probably the best experience I could have had to learn more about life.

There are days when I swear up and down that I can handle everything, and everything in me is so sure that I'm happy here.

There are other days when missing life back home hits me so hard that I fall completely apart...and I experience a "what am I doing here?" phase.

In other words...I am the most indecisive person in the world :)) Ha!

But with God's help & guidance, along with the {{SINCERE}} support of friends who truly want the best for me, I will figure it all out. 

And no matter what I do, I am confident that the ultimate outcome is going to be absolutely beautiful! Because it's all part God's beautiful orchestration!

next time...
you'll be reading about a wake-up call for me regarding a longtime struggle of mine, and how it has helped me to continue working to overcome it.

Lots of "newness", & I'm loving it!

Today I realized that I am going to have to separate everything that I have to say in a couple different entries.

possibly three different entries?

There's been a lot happening that I have been so anxious to share, and my mind has been flowing with new thoughts && ideas.

I have been highly inspired by some lovely ladies...

Annie over at "what she saw"

Erin over at "Sweetness Itself"

&&

my good friend Amanda over at "My Love for Lyla"

Go check out these awesome girls! They write so beautifully and they offer so much encouragement!

Okay, onto more about life...

So, first thing's first...
I've discovered a new love for SEWING!! And I think it's a new love that could quickly become a passion!
There is something about sitting down at the machine and creating something on my own. And then when it's finished, I get to say that I made it!
Someone I know described my new-found love in the most perfect way...it's something I can have [healthy] control over, with the outcome of something useful. I couldn't have said it better!

This is the very first time I have ever done anything  that has made me so content that, once I get started, I don't even think about the things that constantly consume my brain.
This is the first time I have ever tried something and just kept wanting more and more...I tend to give up on things shortly after I start them...Two hours of work at a time, just isn't enough for me! I always want to keep going!
This is the first time I've ever tried something without being afraid of making mistakes, or feeling guilty about making mistakes!

Of course this is all thanks to my incredible teacher, Angie, who really has become more like a friend and confidant than a teacher. She has the most beautiful heart and encouraging spirit! She has an outlook on life that I admire so deeply, and such a passion for what she does that you can almost see bursting from within her! I am learning so much more from Angie than just sewing. I'm learning new ways to think about life, and gaining a whole new perspective.

So, here's what's coming up in future posts...

(trying, from here on out, to write more regularly than just every couple of weeks or so)

You'll see a post about my students, equipped with pictures.

You'll see a post about life lessons I have been learning, and changes I am making in my life&&heart.

& you'll see a post about the new idea I have for writing my book. My thought process on that has changed, although the general message will still be the same. You can read about the original idea in THIS ENTRY.

So until then, faithful readers & friends...

goodnight. & be blessed.

:))

Modern Day Miracles

I couldn't find an exact number of miracles found in the Bible...

but that's probably because there were too many to count!

And all of them proved that our God was, has been, and always will be GREAT!!!

And even today, in our modern world, miracles happen all the time. Every day.

A long awaited one has happened. And it has filled me with SO MUCH REJOICING!!!

I so.wish. that I could share every single detail of this story with you, but it is a very personal story from my dear "Mama Bird" (my sweet Lisa). But I will describe it like this...

I have post-it notes on my wall reminding me to pray every day for certain things/people/situations.

Sometimes when I pray and I see no answer, or I see a situation growing worse with no intervention from God, I become very discouraged & sad, and I begin to doubt if I can trust Him to come through.

I was in that position so many times this past year. 

I couldn't stand what felt like complete and utter silence. Complete abandonment.

I couldn't stand watching my friend suffer...as if He just didn't see her.

I couldn't make myself stop worrying. Even as I said, "I trust you with her life." I don't think I TRULY believed the words coming from my own lips. But never once did I allow myself to get to the point of complete doubt. I couldn't. I ab-so-lute-ly HAD to keep believing that a miracle was possible. Even if it was the smallest amount of faith I could muster.

One night, I found myself lying in bed, fists clenched & eyes squeezed shut.

I let go of my fears, doubts, & lies from the enemy...and I handed my beautiful friend over to the Lord. Fully. Wholeheartedly. Totally surrendered.

And I continued to pray every day with a fully surrendered heart.

Two weeks later, I got a phone call.

And that call contained the best.news.ever.

The only awful part for me, was that I was not there with my friend to jump up and down, hug, & celebrate her amazing [miracle of God] with her.

But we both know that when I get home this summer, we are going to do it up right! :))

I am so happy that I never allowed myself to stop believing!

GOD IS GOOD! ALL THE TIME!

I know that there are some of you out there who have been praying for a miracle for a long time, and you are in the same position that I was...waiting & wondering & hoping...but it all just seems hopeless.

I don't really know why God performs miracles or why sometimes He does NOT.

But I do know this...

There is always hope! It doesn't matter how small the hope is...don't let that fade. Remember that you are allowed to doubt and question...God can handle that. But let me encourage you to keep praying, even when it seems like there is no point because you've been praying for so long with no response.

never.give.up.

He is not silent. He does not overlook your situation. He has not abandoned you. He sees your aching heart.

Have faith...even if it's only the size of a mustard seed.

Miracles do exist! And yours will come!

Oh, and by the way...if any of you need an extra "prayer warrior", count me in :))

New Life, New Start...

I'm back from a rather lengthy blogging "hiatus". I realized that I hadn't written here in about 2 months.
There honestly wasn't much to say that I haven't already said in the past.
And I didn't want keep repeating the same "tune" over and over again.

But now...

There is plenty to say. A lot to update on.
Here it goes...

New location!!

At the beginning of January, I packed my life away in Indiana, and I relocated to Miami, FL.

I came here for a job teaching dance classes and music lessons at a sweet little studio owned by a very close friend of mine, Bellinda. I am also living with her family. She has four beautiful children, and I love all of them a bunch!

Up until now, it's been hard.

Falling into a rhythm was hard. Meeting people was hard. Being happy was hard.

I was missing a lot of things and people back home.

I was lonely. Unhappy. I was so sure I had made the wrong choice. I was constantly burdened by toxic thoughts, anxiety, and worry about things back home that I had no control over.

I couldn't picture things getting better either. 

Okay...now keep reading... :))

Retraining my brain:

I've been learning how to think differently. I've started cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

I was so afraid of it before because I was afraid that it wasn't going to work.

Self-talk has never worked for me.

But I've recently been challenged to do something that really, really scares me.

Of course, the move alone was a huge step, but I think no matter where I am, CBT would be an even bigger step for me.

All I really wanted was to start feeling better, but that was frightening to me.

I have always been afraid to be happy because I was too afraid of it not lasting. 

Too afraid that it wouldn't be real...that I would just be fooling myself.

Because that's how I've always felt in the past.

I know better now.

I know that no one is going to be "up" all the time, and that everyone has times in life when they are down...sometimes very, very down. And I know that I will still experience that. But it's what I decide to do with the down periods and how I react to them that is going to make a difference.

So that's what I'm working on now. It's time to conquer the "dark" thoughts that CONSTANTLY flow through my mind, and learn how to be happy.

Ballet training:

I started taking class from an incredible Russian teacher!

It's very challenging, because he has all of his company members in there with us, but it is so good!

I know I'm going to learn a lot from it. 

I know, without a doubt now, that ballet is definitely something I want to continue pursuing.

I was afraid it was never an option, and that I would never be good again after my back surgery in 2006. But it looks like it could happen now! And I'm really happy and excited about it!

I guess doing things that scare me is going to become a theme in my life from here on out!

I can already see how it's helping me grow.

Health progress:

Honestly, I think getting back into the studio was the best thing I could have done!

Since I know, now, how badly I want to dance, that means being proactive to change a lot of things in order to get myself healthy again...to really be able to dance at my best.

I created a chart of all of the foods I enjoy eating that were also healthy. When it's time to eat, I am aware now of what I am eating and how much of it I should eat. 

I've made up a plan for myself that is geared towards a ballet dancer in training.

And I'm not afraid to splurge on sweets during the day anymore either. I just remind myself, "Eating this right now is NOT going to make you gain weight!" And I just limit my intake.

It's amazing to me how I've been needing to "relearn" how to eat since entering my recovery process.

I've also been pretty good at getting to bed at a reasonable hour during the week...well for most part anyway :)) I've had some late nights...for various reasons. But getting good amounts of sleep has definitely been a huge help!

I mentioned above that doing things that scare me is becoming a theme in my life.

but I've realized that I need to start developing another theme as well. And that is...

LEARNING PATIENCE!!! 

I never realized what an impatient person I am. I want everything to happen right away.

I want to change my thinking...now! I want my CBT to keep progressing...faster! I want to get healthy...now! I want my ballet technique and flexibility to come back...now!

But all of these things take WORK and TIME.

Waiting makes me anxious. If something doesn't happen for me immediately, I get discouraged right away, and I give up. It's time to stop that. It's time to change a lot of things. It's time to be healthy. And it's time to be happy.

And I think I can finally be okay with that now.