I am a curious person by nature. I am a seeker. I ask a lot of questions.
And if I don't find a very specific answer to my questions, I get extremely frustrated.
Or if I think I found an answer, and then I find another one that seems to contradict it, I get even more frustrated.
Which is why lately, with matters of my faith, I have been consistently frustrated.
I don't understand why denominations and doctrines matter so much! Whenever I am asked about my denominated, I respond with "nondenominational"...because I just don't think it should matter so much. And where did all of these doctrines and interpretations of the Bible ad Christianity come from anyway? And what makes one right and not the other? Lately, I have been stuck between two different doctrines, and no matter which way I look at it, one ALWAYS seems to contradict the other! So which one is right??
I've been asking all the "why" and "how" questions over the past couple of months. For over a year now I've kept all of this to myself, thinking that people would see me as a "bad Christian" if they knew how much I was questioning. But it started getting harder and harder for me to deal with, and now it's taking a toll. So I've started seeking explanations.
I believe that every story told in the Bible really happened. I definitely believe in God, and I can see Him at work in people all around me! But then sometimes I don't see Him at work in people...and I wonder why. I don't see Him at work in ME...and I wonder why.
And it doesn't stop there. Those are questions that EVERYONE asks at some point. But I've gotten to the point where everything I hear, I wonder if it's truth (and what if it's not?)...I wonder if it's interpreted the right way (and what if it's not?)...I wonder if it's actually for me (and what if it's not?)...I wonder if I should trust the person I am listening to (and what if I can't?)...and it goes on and on and on...
I've been told that it's okay to ask questions. And I've been told that the doubt I face is exactly what Satan wants and it's something I can choose to not listen to.
So much easier said than done! And yet people have done it! People all around me are overcoming their doubt and they still trust in God fully! So how do they do that? And what's preventing me from that?
There's so much more I could say but we'd be here forever.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
I'm entering into an odd phase...
Okay so maybe it's not "odd" for a normal person my age...but it's odd for me. I never thought I would ever get to this point in my life...but right now, I am SO THERE!
Basically, here is what is going on in my head right now:
This is my forth and final year at Bethel, and during my time here, I've watched so many people I know get engaged...and then get married. But this semester alone, I've heard about at least 4 engagements. And this morning I woke up, turned on Facebook, and saw that two people I knew got engaged this past weekend alone. So where exactly am I going with this?...
Up until now, I have never had much of a desire to be in a relationship. But this semester, I've really been wanting to be able to say that I have a boyfriend. And now after this morning when I got the news of the two engagements on facebook, I am suddenly LONGING for it! I never thought I would say this, but I have the strongest desire to be in a relationship and get married! I've started to get a little impatient about it over the past few weeks, and I've talked a little about how I've really been wanting a boyfriend lately...but now I'm REALLY impatient, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I think that God knows that I want to get married...and I really want to believe that He will eventually bless that desire. But I just can't helping feeling that it could very well be a long time from now. And that almost makes me sad to think about. I keep wondering why I don't have what these other people my age have. And what if I never have it? I can't even think about it.
Maybe this is a really selfish thing to be thinking about, and I probably shouldn't be so anxious about it, but I am. It's weighing so heavily on my heart. I think it's time to start praying for patience.
Basically, here is what is going on in my head right now:
This is my forth and final year at Bethel, and during my time here, I've watched so many people I know get engaged...and then get married. But this semester alone, I've heard about at least 4 engagements. And this morning I woke up, turned on Facebook, and saw that two people I knew got engaged this past weekend alone. So where exactly am I going with this?...
Up until now, I have never had much of a desire to be in a relationship. But this semester, I've really been wanting to be able to say that I have a boyfriend. And now after this morning when I got the news of the two engagements on facebook, I am suddenly LONGING for it! I never thought I would say this, but I have the strongest desire to be in a relationship and get married! I've started to get a little impatient about it over the past few weeks, and I've talked a little about how I've really been wanting a boyfriend lately...but now I'm REALLY impatient, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I think that God knows that I want to get married...and I really want to believe that He will eventually bless that desire. But I just can't helping feeling that it could very well be a long time from now. And that almost makes me sad to think about. I keep wondering why I don't have what these other people my age have. And what if I never have it? I can't even think about it.
Maybe this is a really selfish thing to be thinking about, and I probably shouldn't be so anxious about it, but I am. It's weighing so heavily on my heart. I think it's time to start praying for patience.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Mid-semester thoughts...
It seems really hard to believe that fall break has already arrived. I have to admit that I felt so much relief after my final class of the day ended. I definitely need these next few days to relax.
And of course the arrival of fall break means that the semester is already half over! It so weird! I look back at it and think, where did all of that time go??
I came into this semester very happy and ready to charge in. I came in very excited about the future and thrilled that I had a plan for after graduation! At this point, I am still happy with life, excited about the future, and thrilled that I have a plan. But over the past couple of weeks, I have really wanted the future to be RIGHT NOW! My classes have gotten extremely overwhelming, and normally I don't allow myself to switch into panic mode...but I've been very close lately. I'm having so much trouble keeping up with my very full work load, plus making time to practice my music, plus teaching dance and voice lessons, and pretty soon the musical will be starting!
I realize that it's natural for a college student in their senior year to feel overwhelmed...but that's not even what this is about. Like I said, I just want to start my life! I just want SOON to be TODAY! I don't want to be in school anymore. And if you read my previous blogs, you'll see that I've felt this way about being in school for awhile. Of course there is no point in complaining because I obviously have to stay here until I graduate...but it just seems so far away, and I am kind of afraid that I will REALLY begin panicking between now and then.
The only thing that I can't stand to think about is leaving my voice teacher. It's really hitting me that I have such limited time left with her before I have to work on finding a new teacher. And that's going to feel so strange! For four years, I've studied with this teacher and she has done so much for me, not just as a singer but as a person. I can't imagine continuing my studies without her.
So, I definitely have a lot of mixed feelings about the rest of this year. I guess I'm just going to need a lot of encouragement that I CAN get through the difficult work load.
And of course the arrival of fall break means that the semester is already half over! It so weird! I look back at it and think, where did all of that time go??
I came into this semester very happy and ready to charge in. I came in very excited about the future and thrilled that I had a plan for after graduation! At this point, I am still happy with life, excited about the future, and thrilled that I have a plan. But over the past couple of weeks, I have really wanted the future to be RIGHT NOW! My classes have gotten extremely overwhelming, and normally I don't allow myself to switch into panic mode...but I've been very close lately. I'm having so much trouble keeping up with my very full work load, plus making time to practice my music, plus teaching dance and voice lessons, and pretty soon the musical will be starting!
I realize that it's natural for a college student in their senior year to feel overwhelmed...but that's not even what this is about. Like I said, I just want to start my life! I just want SOON to be TODAY! I don't want to be in school anymore. And if you read my previous blogs, you'll see that I've felt this way about being in school for awhile. Of course there is no point in complaining because I obviously have to stay here until I graduate...but it just seems so far away, and I am kind of afraid that I will REALLY begin panicking between now and then.
The only thing that I can't stand to think about is leaving my voice teacher. It's really hitting me that I have such limited time left with her before I have to work on finding a new teacher. And that's going to feel so strange! For four years, I've studied with this teacher and she has done so much for me, not just as a singer but as a person. I can't imagine continuing my studies without her.
So, I definitely have a lot of mixed feelings about the rest of this year. I guess I'm just going to need a lot of encouragement that I CAN get through the difficult work load.
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