What can I do for YOU??

While I was driving to campus this morning, I had the radio on (as always).  I had it set on my favorite Christian radio station, and this song that I hadn't heard in YEARS began playing.  It's called "Look What You've Done" by a group called Tree63.  This song came out when I was about 11 or 12, before I really had an understanding of my faith.  I always liked the song but I never really listened to the words.

Well, I had forgotten all about this song until today...and when it first started playing, it seemed like such a completely random choice to me! But then I listened...

The verses talk about what GOD has done...

"Look what you've done for me!"..."I haven't been the same, ever since the day I called your name"..."I'm free, at last I'm free! I owe you my life completely!"

But then the chorus goes on to say...

"What can I do for you, my Lord?"..."It's not a question of you what you can do for me, but what can I do for you, my Lord?"

As I said before, at first, I was surprised to hear kind of an "old" song playing on the radio.  But as I chose to listen to the words, it really convicted me. 

I've been sitting back waiting for the Lord to do SOMETHING...teach me something...show me something.  But what kind of action have I been taking for HIM?  Have I totally committed something in my life to bring Him glory?  I didn't even have to think about it.  My answer was a resounding NO.  

I have always heard people tell amazing God stories, saying, "Listen! This is what God has done for me!"  And while I was always happy for them, I would walk away feeling discouraged, thinking, When am I going to be able to tell a God story like that?  It has always made me very insecure in my faith.

But then I realized that I had never really FULLY committed my life to God in the first place.  And I know He's waiting on that commitment.  But that kind of commitment has always been so scary, and it's something I've always withdrawn from.

I have been thinking all day that I was "supposed" to hear that song this morning...and I say that very hesitantly because I'm still not sure what I believe about "pre-ordained" stuff yet...but I do believe that the thoughts I produced as a result were from the Lord.  I think He really was speaking to me, and letting me know, "Here is something you need to think about."  And I'm going to think about it!

My goal from now on is to continue doing the things that I love, but also asking God, "How can I glorify You with this?  Show me how You are going to use this in my life."  

Now, I know that it is one thing to SAY that I am going to do this, and another thing to LIVE it.  So those of you who are around me a lot, if you don't see me living this out, don't hesitate to remind me!  I think a gentle reminder out of love is a very good thing :)

So whether it is singing, dancing, or teaching...from now on, it's no longer mine.   

Hold me to that.

At this time last year

It certainly has been awhile since the last time I wrote a blog entry.  I had such a busy summer that I think I kind of forgot about this blog.
And now summer is over and I am back in Mishawaka...preparing for the first day of my senior year of college...the last first day I will ever have. It seems so strange to think about! I only have one more year and I am DONE!
Today, on the ride over, I thought about how excited I am.  I thought about all of the goals I am going to be working towards this year.  I thought about all of the opportunities I am getting after I graduate.  I thought about living in my beautiful house off campus, my amazing roommates, and seeing all of my friends whom I've missed so much! I am so excited and so happy to be going back!  Then I thought...what a HUGE contrast from last year!
Around this time last year my heart was aching.  I had just finished a wonderful summer. I spent some lovely time with some lovely people...time that seemed so short, as I had to say goodbye to them as they all left town, until next summer.  I had also discovered what I really wanted to do with my life (I haven't changed my mind since) and it was NOT what I was currently studying to do.  I was in a really bad place spiritually and emotionally.  I had absolutely no desire to return to school and I was not excited about it at all.  And after a rough year the previous year, I felt really disconnected with all of the people there, so I really didn't feel excited to see anyone.
I came back to school a little earlier last year, and no one was really on campus yet. So one day, I sat down by the pond, alone, and discovered that I just couldn't hold back the hurt that seemed to overflow my heart...and it finally poured over.  I couldn't stop myself from missing people, missing my summer experiences, and hurting because I couldn't do what I really loved.  I cried for about an hour until my head ached and my emotions felt raw.  Although I did feel a sense of release, I really didn't know what to do with myself after that.
I went through the school year feeling like I was floating around with no direction. There were some points that I was fine...at least in my head...but my heart was never fine. I don't think I prayed much at all, because prayer scared me.  I was trying to do it all on my own.  I really should have asked God for direction...maybe then I wouldn't have felt so lost. And there were so many other issues that I SHOULD have worked through. But there is no point in wishing, because that year has already come and gone.
So now we come to this year.  There is still a lot going on in my head and a lot of "issues" that need to be resolved in my life.  But I am surprisingly happy right now, in spite of missing people so much!  I am very happy to be back in Mishawaka, Indiana...living in this house, getting back to the music department (choir, opera class, voice lessons, etc.).  I feel like I have a GOAL now...something to work towards...a sense of direction that I NEVER had before now.  I also have been sensing a lot of "God tugs" on my heart and I think I am finally ready to hear from Him...well, okay, maybe that still scares me...but I'm in completely different mindset about it than I have been for the past couple of years.
So here I go...I'm diving in.
I'm going to learn how to work through the struggles in my life.
I'm going to reconnect with the friends that I held at a distance over the past two years.
I'm going to get my heart right with the Lord...and try to get past all of the doubts in my head.

I really need for this to be a good year. I need a good year. I think if I keep the above promises to myself, it really will be! It'll be the best senior year I could ask for!