Back in Indiana...

I have one word to describe what being back in Indiana feels like...

BITTERSWEET.

Now why would I say that?
Because just in the past month, in Miami, here's what has happened...

I fought my constant up & down "battles" but I ultimately learned to how be happy again...even on the days it really took work. I learned how to let things go, and make a conscious choice to keep myself "up" as best I could.

There's no way I could have done that here.

I found a church that I absolutely LOVE with some beautifully genuine people!

I realized that that's what had been missing before, and why I felt so unhappy and {too often} lonely.

I developed a fully new sense of confidence in myself. I learned how to be myself and be comfortable with myself. {you can read about that HERE!!}

Again, this never would have happened, had I stayed at home.

I made some amazing friends in the studio too! Wonderful people, whom I truly feel were SUPPOSED to be in my life...and now I can't even imagine my life without them! I am happy that I allowed myself to become close with people again.

I fully realized how much I love every single one of the girls who came through that studio every week. I get attached to any group of students I have, of course. But I've only been with these girls for six months! And they've all come so far! My little ones have fallen into a good rhythm, and my older girls progressed so much in their technique in such a short period of time! I have such a strong desire to stick with them!

So yes, I do plan to return to Miami in the fall. And I am very excited about that.

{note: right now, I know that some of you are recalling the fact that I tend to make decisions only to change my mind later...believe me, I know that I do this...well, if you keep reading you'll see why this is not the case this time around.}

Here's the "bitter" part of the word BITTERSWEET...I was sad to leave. In fact I was really sad to leave. I was finally adjusted. I had become happier than I had ever been. Ever. I've been kind of afraid that I'm going to lose that...but I can't think that way now.

Now the "sweet" part of the word BITTERSWEET, is that I am very excited to spend a summer with my close friends here. I am also very excited to teach a summer session with several of my former students, whom I missed a great deal! It will be good, I know that, and I'll enjoy it! But I am okay with not staying for good now. I have a ton of things to look forward to upon returning to Miami. Some new opportunities that I can hardly wait to take advantage of...the chance to do exactly what I love, ALL.THE.TIME.

How many people can say that?

I truly never thought I would be saying that.

I have felt until recently that my life didn't have much significance. 

While I never questioned God's existence, and I never questioned that He would always be ever present in the lives of people I cared about, I really didn't think I mattered enough to Him.

I see now how wrong I was. He provides. He has brought some unbelievably wonderful people into my life, and He's provided one opportunity after another. From a place to live, to other career opportunities, to new opportunities in the studio as well.

I am just excited to see what is coming next...and finally not scared of it anymore. 

My book! My book! My book!

I've known for awhile now that I wanted to write a book.
But my previous vision for it was a little bit different. It's taken a turn recently, but I think the NEW plans I have for it are going to work even better than what I originally had in mind.

you can read about my original idea RIGHT HERE!

And I hope you do read that post, because my new idea is still going to consist of everything you see there, and it's still going to be sending the same messages to the same audience...
The only thing that's going to change is that it's going to be a story...a novel...not non fiction.

 This novel is going to combine three of my biggest passions in the world
...ballet, mental health, && adoption...

I will write a lot more about this book as soon as I have the entire plot worked out. Right now it's kind of all in my head and needs to be organized. So once that happens, I'll give you all a much better description.

So wish me luck! I really love to write...I think it's something I could really be good at...and I think it's going to be the best way for me to get my heart out there. And if it helps or encourages even one person, that will be enough for me.

Fitting a mold...no more!

It took me a really long time to get to this point...

But I am finally, finally, FINALLY comfortable with the idea of LETTING GO...and being myself.

Not trying to fit any mold or idea of what someone else wants me to be. 

For years now, I have been tied down by fear...completely terrified of not being accepted, of not being loved {or even liked!}, of being abandoned by friends &/or driving them away...so I was always very careful  about how I acted around people I wanted to keep in my life. I spent so much time "tiptoeing" around, constantly recreating myself according to what I thought everyone else would want. I wanted to be the girl who was wanted...the girl that people wanted to stick around for.

Now what do you think came of that?

If you think that all of this resulted in a girl who DID feel wanted, loved, and accepted by the people around her, you would be wrong.

No, I became the girl who constantly second guessed herself...who was afraid to open her mouth and speak...who never truly trusted anyone to stay, because everyone eventually leaves...who didn't even know who she really was.

That girl didn't feel like she was worth anyone's time or love...let alone worth staying for. And it seemed as though these thoughts were just reaffirmed over, & over, & OVER AGAIN...for almost a decade!

And that girl finally broke...because who was she really? Was she capable of being anything at all, to anyone at all? And did she even deserve to be here? 

A couple of weeks ago, I said goodbye to that girl.

She's GONE.

I released all of that.

And you know what??

For two weeks now, I have known what it really feels like to be happy and not have to TRY! For two weeks now, I have allowed myself to let people in, believing that if I was just myself, they would love me for me. And I have come to the realization that there are some wonderful, genuine people in my life...and then there are some who aren't. And that's okay, because I'm not going to change them no matter what I do to try and change MYSELF, and I don't need those people in my life.

Now OF COURSE...I realize that life always comes with challenges. No one can be happy all the time. I know that. I mean, even within these last two weeks, as good as things have been, I've still come across some upsetting things. And there are still many, many things that I need to learn how to deal with. There are no "quick fixes" for the {lots of} years of struggles I went through. I am only saying that now I know that I don't have to have such a firm grasp & perfect control of absolutely everything in my life. I CAN allow myself to be comfortable with the way things happen, and becoming a person who is happy with herself.

Even during the times when I will find it difficult to hold onto this {and there will be times like that}, I know that I will come through those times...with some help and support of course...and I have that :))

Guys...it is so much easier to do it this way. So much easier.

So here we are...I have finally figured out how to be brave.

Funny how it only took about 10 years :))