Road Maps

When I think about the future, I always think I know exactly what it's going to look like. I see exactly where I want to be and exactly what I want to do. I am so convinced that to go "there" and to do "that" is what I want, and that between now and graduation, my mind isn't going to change.

So what happens when that image in my mind changes?  My immediate reaction is to usually to think, No! You have a great plan! Stick to it!
But is my plan the one that matters?

At this time last month I would've said, "Of course it is! I gave God his chance to show up in my life and he didn't! So I'm done! My life is mine!"
I thought I knew so much. I consciously turned away from God and made Him NOTHING to me. I never outwardly showed it but my insides raged whenever I heard someone talk about how good God is. I had come to the realization that I had seen plenty of evidence of God in the lives of those around me...but not in my own life. I don't think I ever stopped believing in His existence altogether, but my heart had become so hardened just the same.
Then one day, I heard His voice call out to me. Of course it wasn't literally, but I knew it was Him. I cannot remember the circumstances of that day. I have been racking my brain but I cannot even remember what I was doing at that moment when the Lord found me. All I can remember is that the Lord was beckoning to me. I had turned my back and He wanted me to face Him again...to come back to His embrace where He would always love me and where I could find solid ground and never have to be anxious or afraid. He showed me that I had so many burdens I was carrying and that He was going to take them away from me.
With not even a hint of the reluctance that I had shown throughout the entire past year, I accepted His offer...all of it. And I tell you, my heart literally felt lighter! For the first time EVER, I knew I was His...completely His. And it wasn't for anybody else. It was for me...and Him.

Now, back to my original question: What if the plan I had for myself changes? Is it really my plan that matters?
After all of this time, I finally say, no. My road map for life is not going to get me to my destination. God holds the keys, the map, the guiding lights along the way.  Although I am the one to do the actual navigating, and I'm sure I will hit some detours along the way, I have the ultimate tour guide to help me pass through them.
God's making things happen! I only know that because I never would've stopped to think about it until now. All of the things that have come up lately, the things that have been forcing me to stop and rethink my "route" in life, they are all God-things. And God is bigger, and greater, and knows better. And who knows? Maybe He's not changing my direction. Maybe He just wants me to slow down and wait for awhile...see where these new events in my life will eventually lead me. So, wherever He decides to take me, even if the way is bumpy and full of holes, I'm ready to go there. And I'm excited!

"I So Hate Consequences"

"When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time...
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you" 
~relient k

Talking to myself

I recall a sermon from a few years back that I heard at my church at a Sunday evening service. It was entitled: "What you FEEL vs. what is REAL". The speaker talked about how too often we let our emotions control what we do and how we go about our daily lives. We wake up and we think, "I'm not going to get up right this minute because I don't feel like it." Or there's a pile of work (or homework) sitting on our desks and we think, "I'm not going to do this work right now because I don't feel like it."
We do the same thing when it comes to our faith too. We think, "I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible right now so I'm not going to." We even go to the extreme and say, "I don't feel God's presence in my life, so he must not be there at all."
I cannot even count the amount of times I have let my emotions control the way I live my life...whether it's my faith or just my daily life. I always say that I don't feel like doing something at that time, but does that change the fact that I need to, even if I don't want to?
There is a difference between LISTENING to ourselves and TALKING to ourselves. Talking to yourself means actually saying, "You know what? Who cares if I don't feel like doing this! I need to, so I'm gonna do it!" We need to wake up at the time we say we're going to even if we're too sleepy. We need to do our work (or in my case, homework) even if we think we can put it off. We need to pray and read our Bibles even if we don't get a warm fuzzy feeling inside of us from it, because we need God's word in our lives. And most importantly, even if we can't feel God with us, He always is. No feelings can change that fact.
I don't know why this message topic popped into my mind today, but I know that over the past year I have let my feelings run me more than ever before. I have only listened to myself.
This year, and in the years following, I choose to talk to myself.

Dear 2010, You are officially behind me.

Dear Depression, I have always let you win in the past. But now my JOY will be victorious over you!

Dear Satan, Your lies and your trickery have no place in my heart. Leave me! You cannot win anymore!

Dear Fear, You are not going to get in the way of my learning to LOVE andTRUST again!

Dear Jealousy, You serve no good purpose and all you’ve brought me is hurt. I am letting you go.

Dear Bitterness, I realize it’s going to take some time to get rid of you, but you have definitely overstayed your welcome. Get ready to take off because I am going to start pushing you out.

Dear Lord, You’ve still been God and You’ve still been good, even when I didn’t think that You were. Forgive me for not trusting You. And now, in this moment, I surrender all of the above things that I have struggled with this past year and cast them away! Be victorious! Overcome! Triumph!

Dear 2011, Welcome! You are MOST welcome!