Today I watched a movie that I've been meaning to watch for a while now. I just kind of forgot about it.
It's called "October Baby"...and it's an adoption story, which is what drew me to it in the first place...being that I am adopted myself.
{Now...before I say anything else...this is just ME sharing the thoughts from my heart. This is not meant to be a controversial post. If you have different opinions or views about what I'm writing, that is completely fine, of course. But please, I have to request right off the bat, don't turn this into a debate. That's not what I intend for this to be, and I don't wanna go there. Thank you.}
In this movie, the main character, Hannah Lawson has just found out she is adopted at the age of 19. And not only was she adopted, but she was the survivor of a failed abortion.
The reason for this "big reveal" from her doctors and adoptive parents is because she was facing all sorts of health issues that resulted from premature birth.
Following this discovery, Hannah goes on a trip with her friends to find out more about her biological mother.
Okay, now, first of all...I was amazed at how much I could relate to Hannah.
Right at the beginning of the movie, a page from her journal is read aloud.
It sounded just like a page straight out of my own journal.
She struggled with her identity...feelings of being unwanted...feelings of guilt for even being alive...questioning what could be missing in her life and why she even exists at all.
She was never the "popular girl" in school and never felt like she fit in anywhere.
She is very hypersensitive and feels like she's constantly being looked down upon or judged by the people around her. She thinks she is a problem, that she's a burden, and that no one actually wants her around...that they are just being polite. Even if absolutely none of this is the case, that's the way her mind operates, so that's how she feels.
every.single.day
I struggle with these exact same things.
every.single.day
this is how I feel.
And not even just every day.
Every MINUTE of every day.
I do my best to block it out...to stay busy...to pretend I don't feel this way. But there's only so much a person can do.
But see, here's the worst part for me...
and why I had a difficult time with this movie...
I struggle with these things, and I KNEW about my adoption.
I knew about it before I could even really understand it.
And growing up, I had no resentment about it towards my birth mother or my adoptive parents. In fact I was proud of it. I wasn't at all shy about it. I talked about it openly...even when it resulted in ridicule from my schoolmates when I was in Jr. High. Even then, I never harbored anger toward anyone about my adoption. If anything, being adopted is the whole reason I am so passionate about my pro-life views. That's no secret.
So...having said that...I will also say that I've recently discovered that many people who have been adopted feel the way I do. Even when they know about it from the beginning, like I did. I wish this was not the case. I wish so badly that I didn't feel this way...but I do. And I've been having such a difficult time with it recently. And this movie, I suppose, kind of forced me to open up these issues and face them.
Which brings me to one other point...
How in the world could an adoptive parent keep such a secret like Hannah's parents did?
If I struggle with stuff like this and I already know about my adoption, I can't imagine having gone through 19 years of life not knowing...all the while struggling through life...and then having such a huge bombshell dropped on me like that.
Why would you not tell your child right from the beginning that they are adopted?
How would someone deal with their lifetime of struggles knowing that?
I can't even put my thoughts into words anymore.
I realize that Hannah is a fictional character...but she represents many others out there who are questioning who they are, and they don't even know why.
I'm sorry, but that just feels very very wrong to me.
