I've been kind of avoiding writing here lately...simply because I didn't have the words to describe what has been happening in my life lately. Also, I have always been afraid of being vulnerable and I have the biggest fear of opening up to people.
But things are changing...again. God is doing a lot of work BOTH in me, AND people close to me. The past several weeks have brought some of the most difficult situations I've ever come up against. But at the same time, I still thank God every day because He knew exactly what I needed to get through these struggles.
Now, after avoiding the topic for so long, I think it's about that time to write a little bit about what's been happening.
** God brought the most wonderful person into my life. And it was one of those friendships that after just one conversation, it felt like we had known each other for years! I am quite a lot younger than her, but that doesn't even matter. God absolutely revealed her whole self to me, and I have no doubt that He brought her to me to get me through this extremely difficult period of my life {{i'm gonna get back to that}} and she has done more than I could ever have expected ANYONE to do for me. But on the "flip side" of that, I am so blessed that God has been using me as His vessel to help her as well. She struggles with the same things that I do (AND she's been through much worse!), and when she is hurting, I run to her as fast as she would run to me, all the while asking God to help me help HER. It has been teaching me that even when there are things that I know I cannot handle by myself, GOD CAN!! He is so powerful and He can do anything! I am so beyond thankful for my friendship with Lisa, and I honestly say that if I didn't have her, I literally have no idea where I would be right now. A TRUE gift from the Lord!
** I seriously am so glad that I have been sticking with my ballet. I love my teacher so much and the friends I have made there. When I am dancing, I get to go outside of myself for a little while, which is just so, so good. It makes me feel better, and I love the people I dance with. There are some absolutely lovely ladies there. Just another reason why I am blessed.
** Now, on to.......well, other things. First, I'm going to use two words that may just scare everyone away and stop reading. Of course I don't blame you, because the fact is that if you don't deal with it, you won't understand it. That's just the way it is. Okay, here it goes...Word #1: Depression. Word #2: Anxiety. Yeah I know, I have trouble verbalizing both of them myself sometimes. And it's nothing new for me. I've dealt with it for years now, but I never did anything about it, and much of the time, certain people made me feel like it was my fault, and so I felt that way too. Now, you may be thinking, "Oh everyone deals with depression & anxiety at some point." Well, I don't mean to be harsh, but STOP right there! Unless you've been in a place where YOUR depression and anxiety have literally stopped you from being able to function, made you practically immobile, and caused to you dread doing your favorite things in the world (like me with teaching ballet!) then you cannot say anything on the subject. A little over a week ago, my heart was broken in half because of words from people who THINK they understand but they don't...people who I really thought I could count on. And I have spent the past several days hurting so heavily over that.
HOWEVER...in spite of all of this, God continues to show me that He is good and faithful and that He really does take care of me. Not only has he provided me with a beautiful friend in Lisa, but also he has given me the courage and strength to seek out the help that I need. I was always so hesitant to try medicine in the past, but I finally became convinced that it might be necessary. And let me tell you, I think it is saving my life. For weeks now I have seen no light at the end of the tunnel. I was convinced I wasn't going to make it through to graduation. And now, thanks to friends who REALLY care, the meds, and the grace and mercy of God {{of course!! He gets the credit for ALL of it!}} I am finally starting to at least see a tiny "glimmer" of light, and I have been able to say to myself, "You know what? I think I might be okay." Of course, it's happening in small steps, but it's happening. And for me, that's huge right now.
WOW, that was a lot for one entry. I really didn't mean for it to get that long, haha! And most of it was probably just unnecessary rambling, but to whoever read all of it, thank you.
And I really have started to come to a place where I can praise God in the midst of all of this! I know He is obviously working on me...hard. And I don't know why it has to be so hard, but He will let me know. In His own time. In His own way. I really believe that.
