Needing to be honest & a little harsh

I have an early flight in the morning.
And right now it is 12:33 AM.

I should be so happy right now. So excited. So ready. I'm going HOME finally. I get to do all of the things I've missed, and see all of the people I've missed.

I've been over the moon about this for a whole week now! I've had a lot of [happy] butterflies in my stomach. I've been ready for this. I AM ready for this!

But right now...

I'm afraid to go to sleep. Really. Like, afraid. Terrified even.
I had a [small...thankfully] panic attack over my flight. Not the flight itself...I've flown enough to be used to the actual experience of flying...but the process that happens the day before the flight. Packing, checking in online, printing boarding passes...

...making sure everything is...well...PERFECT. SET. READY. NO MISTAKES.
Because if there are any mistakes, something will go wrong. And if something goes wrong, then...then...then...

It doesn't matter what the "then" is. It could be several things actually. But it doesn't matter. The cycle begins and I haven't learned how to make it stop. So it starts, snowballs, and grows and grows until my heart rate goes up, my temperature fluctuates, and my hands, feet, & face begin to go numb. I'm suddenly panicking.
Usually when I get to this point I can talk myself down from it. I also have medicine that helps to slow down the panic, within minutes! Thankfully, this was not as bad as it has gotten in the past.
However, it's bad enough to prevent me from going to sleep. And that's because my biggest fears tend to manifest themselves in my dreams. I am afraid of having nightmares about flying. I wasn't thinking about this at all before, but my brain went there just within the past several minutes. It's one of the many "curses" of having anxiety disorder.

So why am I telling you all of this?

Well, I guess I just want people to see how REAL this is. And if you've never experienced it before, you have no idea what it's like. I haven't experienced a panic attack since before I left to come to Florida. I actually thought they were over. And since I've been in FL, I've been completely ashamed of my anxiety. I've always tried to tell people about it and what it's like, but lately I've just felt like there's really no point. People aren't going to get it unless they suffer from this themselves. I'm honestly getting tired of hearing people say, "Oh, just replace the negative thoughts with something positive." or "You just need to stay positive...be happy with yourself." As if it's THAT EASY!! If it was that simple, don't you think I would have tried that already? Don't you think I haven't thought of that? Do you realize how much time I spend inside my head, trying...so...hard to rid myself of the negative thoughts? And I can't! CAN'T! C-A-N-'T! If I could control it...if I had a way to make it go away...believe me, I would be doing it.

This doesn't happen because I want attention {as if I would want to MAKE this happen!}.

This doesn't happen because I'm too "self absorbed".

And the worst part, is that this is how people see it.

I really hope people read this, and "hear me" when I say that G.A.D (generalized anxiety disorder) is a physiological AND physical issue that I can't control by simply "thinking positively". It takes a lot of work and good medication. And I'm not ashamed of that. So why do people constantly feel the need to minimize my pain, criticize the way I talk about it, and make me feel guilty for experiencing the things I do? For thinking the way that I do? When I can't help it!

I know this post seems harsh and angry. I think it's mostly because I'm so tired. So I do apologize for that. But I just really want people to be aware of the reality here.  

And now it's time to TRY and go to sleep. And if nightmares happen...well, I guess I will figure out how to deal with them in the morning.

Good night, everyone. Thank you for reading.

Choosing to Commit

Before I write anything at all, I have to admit...
I am really doubting myself right now.
I say things like this all the time...but anytime I "decide" I am going to commit to something, it never sticks. I'll be motivated one day, and the next I'll find a reason why I don't feel like continuing. As a result, of course, I get way down on myself for "failing again", and then I'm too hesitant to commit to anything else.
I still am not sure why I do this. I think, deep down, I am terribly afraid of not doing things perfectly. I mean, I've always known that, but I think it's even more so than I thought it was. I don't know.
So now, as I prepare to write a post about committing to certain things in my life, my brain is automatically thinking, "Yeah right. How long is THIS ONE going to last?"

I am wondering if I need to take a new approach with this.
Not sure how, or what it would need to be, but somehow I need to change my way of thinking. I'll have to take some time to figure that one out.

Anyway...onto the POINT of this post...

I woke up feeling pretty good this morning! And I had a great ballet class. It's one of those days where I am going to feel motivated, so I have to take advantage of it...and hope it sticks this time [again, gotta figure that out].

Now, I have one little request:

Could I get some accountability from friends who may be reading this? I, like so many others, do much better at keeping up with things if someone is encouraging me and helping me stay focused on my goals.

Okay, so from here on out,

I CHOOSE TO COMMIT...

to writing...

Whether that means writing here in this blog, or working on the book[s] ideas[s] swirling around in my head just desperate to get written! Sometimes I like to think that I write at least halfway decently. From elementary school through high school, I was always complimented on my writing skills, and told I was very creative with my words. Then in college, I got ripped apart by English professors. So of course, I automatically assumed that my skills were just never good enough. I shouldn't be writing because I don't have a gift for words. Now, I will say that, often times, my words can get very jumbled...and I tend to move away from the point easily. But all that means is that I just need to practice. So that's what I am going to do...practice writing SOMETHING. And if I can't manage to do it every day, at least as often as possible.

to ballet...

I'm going to tell you all what my ultimate goal is for ballet right now: Ballet Magnificat! I did some research, and I realized that if I train for the next year, I can hope to be able to audition and get into their trainee program {the oldest you can be is 24 and that's how old I'd be!!}. Of course, I'd have to train with them for awhile before having any chance of being in the company...but the company travels everywhere! All over the world! Which is something else I've always wanted to do. So in committing to ballet, I have to make it a priority to work every.single.day to get back into my best shape. Company shape. I will have to stretch daily, and full out. I will have to work very hard and focus in class and not allow myself to get sloppy {which is easy to do in such a big class...the teacher is wonderful, but he can't pay attention to all of us}. Get back on pointe {gonna have to wait until summer to start that, though}. I need to get back into lyrical/modern classes too. So many other things...I know what they are. But the biggest thing I'm going to have to figure out is how to do all of this even on the days when I am feeling exhausted and days when I am feeling down. I guess that brings me to my next thing...

to being healthy...

This means making sure I sleep, no matter what that takes. If I have to take melatonin or some form of sleep aid, I guess I will have to do that. I'm not sure why the idea of going to sleep at night makes me feel so uneasy, even scared, sometimes {another story for another time}, but I can't do this whole staying awake until I am falling asleep on the sofa anymore.

This means making sure I eat the right foods...and enough of it...and not too much of it. If any of you read my recent post about my eating disorder, then I don't really need to go into detail about the food thing right now.

This means keeping up with exercise even if I feel too tired. That's really hard for me, so it will probably be hard to start out, but I'm going to have to try.

to prayer...

I pray for other people all the time. In fact I enjoy doing that. But I feel as though I have really distanced myself from God lately. For some reason, praying for myself makes me feel uncomfortable, or like I don't deserve what I am asking for. I don't doubt His existence or that He is here...in fact I have never been more sure that He listens and answers. So I am not sure why I can't ask Him for his help with these things that I've listed above. I need help in fighting my depression and anxiety disorder...and I need help in learning how to overcome my self-image and food issues. Of course, I do realize that these things are going to take WORK! My prayers for help and my choice to surrender my struggles cannot be passive. I have to do what I need to do in order to get through this stuff. But I'm done trying to do it on my own. I recognize my need for God's help & His guidance. And I am prepared to watch for the little "signals" and opportunities He places in my path.  

Today, I feel like I can do these things.

...tomorrow I may not.

<< in fact, I know that I probably won't. >>

But that is not a good enough reason for me not to try! I am going to try! And if I mess up {which we all do}, then I try again. But I guess this is why I asked for accountability at the beginning of this post. Because it's one thing for me to say I'll try again, but knowing the way my mind works, I won't always be good about thinking this way. So I really hope it doesn't sound too selfish of me to ask for all the help and encouragement I can get, friends!

Thanks for reading!

Hope your week is starting out beautifully!

A Reason to Break the Silence

I'm taking a chance and stepping out to write another very difficult entry here. 

Back in September, I wrote a post about my struggle with an eating disorder. It was absolutely the most difficult thing I had ever done. It was scary for me to be so vulnerable...but necessary at the same time.

{If you didn't read my story, take time to read it RIGHT HERE!!}

For a good while, I was glad I blogged about my story. I believe that our lives & our hearts are meant to be shared, and when we are in our darkest moments, we need the support of other people around us. I also wanted to use my story to help someone else who may have been struggling. And even after writing about it, I was still very vocal and open about my eating disorder. I didn't want to just keep holding onto it and lying about it. I had spent way to much time doing that.

But after awhile, I wondered if writing that entry and choosing to be so transparent was a mistake.

Even though people acted very supportive and understanding, I could still see some of their stunned reactions and how they shied away from me quickly after they found out. although that didn't happen with everyone. i was very grateful for the ones who truly were sincere.

So, I decided to keep silent again. 

And a couple of weeks ago when a new trigger threatened to cause a "relapse", I chose to tell no one, figuring I would either deal with it myself, or not deal with it at all. For a few days, my answer was to not even deal with it. I let myself revert back to old habits and went without food. And I didn't even understand it. I had been doing so well. I was recovering well. I was eating full meals and enjoying them. I didn't understand why it was so easy for me to fall back into this again.

Nothing about it felt good. Especially since I was keeping it to myself.

THEN...

a couple of days ago...

my friend Bellinda received some difficult news about a friend of hers with cancer.

I won't share all of the details here. But I'll tell you what struck me the most...

He lost ten pounds in a week...because he COULDN'T eat.

couldn't eat.

It was like someone grabbed me and shook me...hard! I had never || ever || felt so guilty for what I had been thinking!

I had a horrible moment of thinking, "What on earth is wrong with me?" How is it that while he is suffering and unable to eat, I am choosing not to eat? While he is so sick and losing weight so fast because he doesn't have a choice, I risk MAKING myself sick [again] in order to lose weight fast and I DO have a choice! 

I knew then, I couldn't keep up the silence. I had to talk about what I was feeling. So I did. And it was the biggest weight off of my shoulders! Finally having support again gave me strength to face this again. 

So that's what I'm doing...facing it.

Now, of course I have to recognize that anorexia is still an illness. And I won't be overcoming it by feeling guilty all the time. It is a result of major anxiety and self image issues that I need to address first, because the fact is that I can't help feeling the way I sometimes do. 

I really would love to see a therapist, but I can't afford it for the time being. 

And that's why I'm choosing to break my silence. Because the fact is, I need the support if I'm going to face this. I know how up and and down it's going to be. Because that's how it's always been. Take today for example...today I ate very well. I felt good about it and I was motivated by it. Tomorrow could be a whole different story. Food could easily become frightening to me again.

So...

here we are again friends.

I'm here to say that I'm going to start working on this, again. I am confident that through the support & prayer of friends & family who love me...&& eventually with therapy...I can get past this once and for all.  

And please believe me when I say, I WANT THIS! Truly! Even on the days when I make it very clear that I have no desire to work at it {and I will have days like that}, I do want to find healing.

I am very blessed and thankful to have friends who choose to walk alongside of me. Thank you for allowing me to share about this difficult topic in my life. And, most importantly thank you for STAYING! 

A little "self evaluation"...

Before I say anything else, I just HAVE to make a point to say this.....

***
In just 9 days...

I will be flying home to Indiana for two weeks!
I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to spend time with my friends, family & cousins, go back to my home church, and take ballet class at Southold again!
I have no idea what the results of this trip are going to be, but I am hopeful that it is going to be helpful, more than anything else.

***

Okay, now I'll move on.
Can you believe we are almost a quarter way through 2013 already?!?
When I realized that, I had to stop and think about it for a moment. It didn't seem real. Time has really flown by, and I've been in Florida for pretty much all of it. It's been an adventure so far, and I'm glad I decided to do it, for several reasons...

{one}

I got away from the difficult Indiana winter. 

Winters have always been very hard for me to deal with. I never could tolerate the gloominess & lack of sunshine very well. And there were, more often than not, several days when just walking from my house to my car was enough to make me cry sometimes...not kidding...because it was so cold! So obviously, winter is not my season...at least not up north...and up there, winter lasts a very, very, long time. I can't even say how much I've appreciated the sunshine and warmth that I've found here in Miami. I never took it for granted for one day. I loved being able to go outside and walk around the area wearing my sundresses in the middle of February. And the consistent sunshine was a HUGE enhancement for my mood! 

{two}

I've met some great people...who are WORTH keeping in my life.

When I first got here, I think the most difficult part was that I didn't really know anyone, and I was having a very hard time meeting people and making friends. And I missed my close friends back home so terribly. I still do, and like I said before, I am super excited to see them! But slowly, after giving it some time, and allowing things to happen naturally, I began to form connections that turned into friendships that I definitely want to keep. There are some very lovely ladies in the area, and I've had good times with them! I've also met several girls in their 20s and I enjoy them greatly. And not only that, but I became very close very fast with Angie while working and learning to sew at the Design Lab {read about that HERE!!} and in the process, developed a new skill that I can't wait to continue pursuing! 

{three}

I was able to prove to myself that I was capable of something big.

Talk about a big move...from Indiana to Florida. That's quite a long way. I've never been one to take risks, and I've never been one to step out and try something that was WAY out of my comfort zone because I was too scared and I allowed my anxiety to get in the way all too often. Coming here and adjusting to a completely new environment, practically by myself {although not really...thank GOD for Bellinda's family!}, leaving my best friends behind, and having to start completely over...that was a MAJOR accomplishment for me! Absolutely hands down the hardest thing I've ever done! But I did it.

Even though sometimes I really don't know if I'm happy here or not, I am at least happy to say that coming here was a good idea, overall.

Even though I'm really not sure where I want to end up {it literally changes every day}, this was probably the best experience I could have had to learn more about life.

There are days when I swear up and down that I can handle everything, and everything in me is so sure that I'm happy here.

There are other days when missing life back home hits me so hard that I fall completely apart...and I experience a "what am I doing here?" phase.

In other words...I am the most indecisive person in the world :)) Ha!

But with God's help & guidance, along with the {{SINCERE}} support of friends who truly want the best for me, I will figure it all out. 

And no matter what I do, I am confident that the ultimate outcome is going to be absolutely beautiful! Because it's all part God's beautiful orchestration!

next time...
you'll be reading about a wake-up call for me regarding a longtime struggle of mine, and how it has helped me to continue working to overcome it.

Lots of "newness", & I'm loving it!

Today I realized that I am going to have to separate everything that I have to say in a couple different entries.

possibly three different entries?

There's been a lot happening that I have been so anxious to share, and my mind has been flowing with new thoughts && ideas.

I have been highly inspired by some lovely ladies...

Annie over at "what she saw"

Erin over at "Sweetness Itself"

&&

my good friend Amanda over at "My Love for Lyla"

Go check out these awesome girls! They write so beautifully and they offer so much encouragement!

Okay, onto more about life...

So, first thing's first...
I've discovered a new love for SEWING!! And I think it's a new love that could quickly become a passion!
There is something about sitting down at the machine and creating something on my own. And then when it's finished, I get to say that I made it!
Someone I know described my new-found love in the most perfect way...it's something I can have [healthy] control over, with the outcome of something useful. I couldn't have said it better!

This is the very first time I have ever done anything  that has made me so content that, once I get started, I don't even think about the things that constantly consume my brain.
This is the first time I have ever tried something and just kept wanting more and more...I tend to give up on things shortly after I start them...Two hours of work at a time, just isn't enough for me! I always want to keep going!
This is the first time I've ever tried something without being afraid of making mistakes, or feeling guilty about making mistakes!

Of course this is all thanks to my incredible teacher, Angie, who really has become more like a friend and confidant than a teacher. She has the most beautiful heart and encouraging spirit! She has an outlook on life that I admire so deeply, and such a passion for what she does that you can almost see bursting from within her! I am learning so much more from Angie than just sewing. I'm learning new ways to think about life, and gaining a whole new perspective.

So, here's what's coming up in future posts...

(trying, from here on out, to write more regularly than just every couple of weeks or so)

You'll see a post about my students, equipped with pictures.

You'll see a post about life lessons I have been learning, and changes I am making in my life&&heart.

& you'll see a post about the new idea I have for writing my book. My thought process on that has changed, although the general message will still be the same. You can read about the original idea in THIS ENTRY.

So until then, faithful readers & friends...

goodnight. & be blessed.

:))