The ending of a very long season...

I kind of want to shout with joy right now...and if it weren't for the late hour, I think I might :-)
It is SO like God to meet me at this point...at the point where I really thought He never would again...at the point where I was truly in the early stages of giving up on Him.
It is SO like Him to speak to me when I am NOT anticipating it.
It is SO like Him to open my eyes to what has been right in front of my for a very long time.

And it is SO like ME to completely ignore Him or to allow doubt to consume my mind and turn me away from Him.
But it is SO like HIM to keep pursuing and pursuing...never stopping until He finally reaches me. For good this time!

I would love to share this ENTIRE story with you! But I would rather share it in person. However, I will tell you this...
Only a few short days ago, I asked God to speak to me somehow...and to let me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was Him. And I am very happy to proclaim that He absolutely did! Now I cannot even begin to understand why it took me this long to finally hear from Him with no doubts whatsoever (I have to say that has NEVER happened before)...but I don't think it matters.
What matters is that I think I am past this so very long season of doubt and questioning that I thought might never end!
So ask me about my story next time you see me! I would be more than thrilled to share how all of this came about!

So many questions, so few answers

I am a curious person by nature. I am a seeker. I ask a lot of questions.
And if I don't find a very specific answer to my questions, I get extremely frustrated.
Or if I think I found an answer, and then I find another one that seems to contradict it, I get even more frustrated.
Which is why lately, with matters of my faith, I have been consistently frustrated.
I don't understand why denominations and doctrines matter so much! Whenever I am asked about my denominated, I respond with "nondenominational"...because I just don't think it should matter so much. And where did all of these doctrines and interpretations of the Bible ad Christianity come from anyway? And what makes one right and not the other? Lately, I have been stuck between two different doctrines, and no matter which way I look at it, one ALWAYS seems to contradict the other! So which one is right??
I've been asking all the "why" and "how" questions over the past couple of months. For over a year now I've kept all of this to myself, thinking that people would see me as a "bad Christian" if they knew how much I was questioning. But it started getting harder and harder for me to deal with, and now it's taking a toll. So I've started seeking explanations.
I believe that every story told in the Bible really happened. I definitely believe in God, and I can see Him at work in people all around me! But then sometimes I don't see Him at work in people...and I wonder why. I don't see Him at work in ME...and I wonder why.
And it doesn't stop there. Those are questions that EVERYONE asks at some point. But I've gotten to the point where everything I hear, I wonder if it's truth (and what if it's not?)...I wonder if it's interpreted the right way (and what if it's not?)...I wonder if it's actually for me (and what if it's not?)...I wonder if I should trust the person I am listening to (and what if I can't?)...and it goes on and on and on...
I've been told that it's okay to ask questions. And I've been told that the doubt I face is exactly what Satan wants and it's something I can choose to not listen to.
So much easier said than done! And yet people have done it! People all around me are overcoming their doubt and they still trust in God fully! So how do they do that? And what's preventing me from that?
There's so much more I could say but we'd be here forever.

I'm entering into an odd phase...

Okay so maybe it's not "odd" for a normal person my age...but it's odd for me. I never thought I would ever get to this point in my life...but right now, I am SO THERE!

Basically, here is what is going on in my head right now:
This is my forth and final year at Bethel, and during my time here, I've watched so many people I know get engaged...and then get married. But this semester alone, I've heard about at least 4 engagements. And this morning I woke up, turned on Facebook, and saw that two people I knew got engaged this past weekend alone. So where exactly am I going with this?...
Up until now, I have never had much of a desire to be in a relationship. But this semester, I've really been wanting to be able to say that I have a boyfriend.  And now after this morning when I got the news of the two engagements on facebook, I am suddenly LONGING for it!  I never thought I would say this, but I have the strongest desire to be in a relationship and get married!  I've started to get a little impatient about it over the past few weeks, and I've talked a little about how I've really been wanting a boyfriend lately...but now I'm REALLY impatient, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
I think that God knows that I want to get married...and I really want to believe that He will eventually bless that desire. But I just can't helping feeling that it could very well be a long time from now. And that almost makes me sad to think about. I keep wondering why I don't have what these other people my age have.  And what if I never have it?  I can't even think about it.
Maybe this is a really selfish thing to be thinking about, and I probably shouldn't be so anxious about it, but I am. It's weighing so heavily on my heart.  I think it's time to start praying for patience.    

Mid-semester thoughts...

It seems really hard to believe that fall break has already arrived. I have to admit that I felt so much relief after my final class of the day ended. I definitely need these next few days to relax.
And of course the arrival of fall break means that the semester is already half over! It so weird! I look back at it and think, where did all of that time go??
I came into this semester very happy and ready to charge in. I came in very excited about the future and thrilled that I had a plan for after graduation! At this point, I am still happy with life, excited about the future, and thrilled that I have a plan. But over the past couple of weeks, I have really wanted the future to be RIGHT NOW! My classes have gotten extremely overwhelming, and normally I don't allow myself to switch into panic mode...but I've been very close lately. I'm having so much trouble keeping up with my very full work load, plus making time to practice my music, plus teaching dance and voice lessons, and pretty soon the musical will be starting!
I realize that it's natural for a college student in their senior year to feel overwhelmed...but that's not even what this is about.  Like I said, I just want to start my life! I just want SOON to be TODAY! I don't want to be in school anymore. And if you read my previous blogs, you'll see that I've felt this way about being in school for awhile. Of course there is no point in complaining because I obviously have to stay here until I graduate...but it just seems so far away, and I am kind of afraid that I will REALLY begin panicking between now and then.
The only thing that I can't stand to think about is leaving my voice teacher. It's really hitting me that I have such limited time left with her before I have to work on finding a new teacher. And that's going to feel so strange! For four years, I've studied with this teacher and she has done so much for me, not just as a singer but as a person. I can't imagine continuing my studies without her.
So, I definitely have a lot of mixed feelings about the rest of this year. I guess I'm just going to need a lot of encouragement that I CAN get through the difficult work load.

I have so many things in my head to write about! I wish I could write three separate entries in one day...but I'm going to refrain from that...ha!!
For today, I am going to write about the big thing that has been completely dominating my thoughts for the past few days.

This upcoming week is spiritual emphasis week at Bethel College. For those of you who are not connected with Bethel, this is a week where we focus on our spiritual lives, areas that we need to "work on". It's a time to reexamine our faith and where we stand with God...to work through the issues that we may be dealing with on a daily basis.
I've known this was coming, because it happens every year. But this year, the anticipation is different for me. This year I really need a week like this. This year, I am no longer afraid to examine my heart and work through the struggles that I've been dealing with for the past three years. I know that I need so much healing in my life...I know that I need to yield my life to the Lord...I know that the only way I am going to get victory over my struggles is to allow Him to step in and REALLY be my God. For real.
I am fully aware that the process of "healing" is going to be messy. I think all this time, I was looking for something easy...something that was just a quick fix. It's not supposed to be that way. God wants us to learn to rely on Him in the midst of our struggle. So yes...I know that this week is going to be a MESS...a beautiful mess.
Now I know what you are thinking...how can a mess be beautiful?
Well, when you look down and only see the mess, then of course it's not beautiful or in any way pleasant.
But when you chose to look UP from the mess and allow God to help you pick up the broken pieces, that, my friends is BEAUTIFUL!!!
So as I prepare for this week...this spiritual emphasis week...I am asking God to break down the walls around my heart, creating a beautiful mess that I cannot clean up without His help.
But please pray for me if you think of it. Like I said before, this is going to be tough before it is good.
But I am finally ready for it. 

What can I do for YOU??

While I was driving to campus this morning, I had the radio on (as always).  I had it set on my favorite Christian radio station, and this song that I hadn't heard in YEARS began playing.  It's called "Look What You've Done" by a group called Tree63.  This song came out when I was about 11 or 12, before I really had an understanding of my faith.  I always liked the song but I never really listened to the words.

Well, I had forgotten all about this song until today...and when it first started playing, it seemed like such a completely random choice to me! But then I listened...

The verses talk about what GOD has done...

"Look what you've done for me!"..."I haven't been the same, ever since the day I called your name"..."I'm free, at last I'm free! I owe you my life completely!"

But then the chorus goes on to say...

"What can I do for you, my Lord?"..."It's not a question of you what you can do for me, but what can I do for you, my Lord?"

As I said before, at first, I was surprised to hear kind of an "old" song playing on the radio.  But as I chose to listen to the words, it really convicted me. 

I've been sitting back waiting for the Lord to do SOMETHING...teach me something...show me something.  But what kind of action have I been taking for HIM?  Have I totally committed something in my life to bring Him glory?  I didn't even have to think about it.  My answer was a resounding NO.  

I have always heard people tell amazing God stories, saying, "Listen! This is what God has done for me!"  And while I was always happy for them, I would walk away feeling discouraged, thinking, When am I going to be able to tell a God story like that?  It has always made me very insecure in my faith.

But then I realized that I had never really FULLY committed my life to God in the first place.  And I know He's waiting on that commitment.  But that kind of commitment has always been so scary, and it's something I've always withdrawn from.

I have been thinking all day that I was "supposed" to hear that song this morning...and I say that very hesitantly because I'm still not sure what I believe about "pre-ordained" stuff yet...but I do believe that the thoughts I produced as a result were from the Lord.  I think He really was speaking to me, and letting me know, "Here is something you need to think about."  And I'm going to think about it!

My goal from now on is to continue doing the things that I love, but also asking God, "How can I glorify You with this?  Show me how You are going to use this in my life."  

Now, I know that it is one thing to SAY that I am going to do this, and another thing to LIVE it.  So those of you who are around me a lot, if you don't see me living this out, don't hesitate to remind me!  I think a gentle reminder out of love is a very good thing :)

So whether it is singing, dancing, or teaching...from now on, it's no longer mine.   

Hold me to that.

At this time last year

It certainly has been awhile since the last time I wrote a blog entry.  I had such a busy summer that I think I kind of forgot about this blog.
And now summer is over and I am back in Mishawaka...preparing for the first day of my senior year of college...the last first day I will ever have. It seems so strange to think about! I only have one more year and I am DONE!
Today, on the ride over, I thought about how excited I am.  I thought about all of the goals I am going to be working towards this year.  I thought about all of the opportunities I am getting after I graduate.  I thought about living in my beautiful house off campus, my amazing roommates, and seeing all of my friends whom I've missed so much! I am so excited and so happy to be going back!  Then I thought...what a HUGE contrast from last year!
Around this time last year my heart was aching.  I had just finished a wonderful summer. I spent some lovely time with some lovely people...time that seemed so short, as I had to say goodbye to them as they all left town, until next summer.  I had also discovered what I really wanted to do with my life (I haven't changed my mind since) and it was NOT what I was currently studying to do.  I was in a really bad place spiritually and emotionally.  I had absolutely no desire to return to school and I was not excited about it at all.  And after a rough year the previous year, I felt really disconnected with all of the people there, so I really didn't feel excited to see anyone.
I came back to school a little earlier last year, and no one was really on campus yet. So one day, I sat down by the pond, alone, and discovered that I just couldn't hold back the hurt that seemed to overflow my heart...and it finally poured over.  I couldn't stop myself from missing people, missing my summer experiences, and hurting because I couldn't do what I really loved.  I cried for about an hour until my head ached and my emotions felt raw.  Although I did feel a sense of release, I really didn't know what to do with myself after that.
I went through the school year feeling like I was floating around with no direction. There were some points that I was fine...at least in my head...but my heart was never fine. I don't think I prayed much at all, because prayer scared me.  I was trying to do it all on my own.  I really should have asked God for direction...maybe then I wouldn't have felt so lost. And there were so many other issues that I SHOULD have worked through. But there is no point in wishing, because that year has already come and gone.
So now we come to this year.  There is still a lot going on in my head and a lot of "issues" that need to be resolved in my life.  But I am surprisingly happy right now, in spite of missing people so much!  I am very happy to be back in Mishawaka, Indiana...living in this house, getting back to the music department (choir, opera class, voice lessons, etc.).  I feel like I have a GOAL now...something to work towards...a sense of direction that I NEVER had before now.  I also have been sensing a lot of "God tugs" on my heart and I think I am finally ready to hear from Him...well, okay, maybe that still scares me...but I'm in completely different mindset about it than I have been for the past couple of years.
So here I go...I'm diving in.
I'm going to learn how to work through the struggles in my life.
I'm going to reconnect with the friends that I held at a distance over the past two years.
I'm going to get my heart right with the Lord...and try to get past all of the doubts in my head.

I really need for this to be a good year. I need a good year. I think if I keep the above promises to myself, it really will be! It'll be the best senior year I could ask for!

Wanting to just TRUST!

I just got back from seeing the movie "Soul Surfer"...
For those of you who may not be familiar, it is the true story of Bethany Hamilton, a surfer who was attacked by a shark and lost her arm, but still she went on to be a professional surfer! This didn't come easily for her though, she endured a lot of struggles and a lot of heartache. She questioned why it was happening to her and she dealt with a lot of anger.  But the thing that struck me the most was that she never, not once, directed her anger at God. She grew up having faith in God, and of all things that could make her faith waver, this would do it! But her faith did NOT waver. Almost immediately after her attack while she was lying in her hospital bed she was asking, "When can I surf again?" and she was quoting Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
My point here is that she TRUSTED God...even when she wondered "how could this be His plan for me?" still she trusted Him.  And He took her through some amazing things in the weeks that followed that changed her perspective and only challenged her further to get back in the water and continue surfing.
I don't think once, in my whole life, have I EVER fully given my trust to the Lord. Oh, I've said it before, "Lord, I am willing to take whatever you have for me. Do with me what you will. I trust you." I said it over and over again...but I think I mostly repeated it to convince myself. Then I would write about my "commitment" to God in my journal...again to convince myself, thinking that if I saw it in writing, it would be real. Then I'd tell someone that I finally got right with God (again)...once again, although not consciously, wanting to convince myself. Maybe if I said it out loud to someone, it would be for real.  But it seems like I always just fail in this area.  My faith has just never been secure.  It's not that I don't believe in God and every story in the Bible that I've known since I was a little girl! But is it enough to just believe in Bible stories? It would be so easy to say that I believe in everything that God's word has for ME too...but the deepest truth is that sometimes, I don't think I do...in fact, sometimes I'm not even sure it's for me.
After watching Bethany's story, I left feeling so encouraged, so motivated, and so inspired! It made me want to make a REAL commitment to God, and not have it be just on the surface. A deep commitment and trust of ANY kind scares me to death...so putting my full trust in the One who is supposed to be in complete control feels like it's taking all control away from me, and that scares me too much. I've never been able to give in to that.
My earthly relationships suffer from this fear too. I've never been able to fully trust anyone, the result of a big letdown. I withhold and distance so much of myself from people to the point where I am rarely able to connect with people on any kind of deep level.  And I do the same thing with God.  I have never allowed myself to connect with Him on a deep level.
I keep saying I want to change this part of my life...in my relationships on earth, and in my relationship with God. I want to stop being afraid. I want to have the strength and determination that Bethany had...I want to trust like she did. So why is my flesh so much more powerful than this desire? Where's the willpower to just give in to these constant fears and doubts crowding my mind? I can't find it.

Some things from high school still follow you...

When I was in middle school and high school, I was labeled as the "good girl". I was the one who always followed the rules, always got along with her teachers, never did anything crazy or took any risks, and always stuck to her conservative values.  I never had a problem with being labeled this way because I was proud of who I was.  But I was also the subject of much ridicule and teasing because of the way I was.  I couldn't open my mouth in class without hearing a snicker or a whisper behind me.  Sometimes I couldn't even walk down the hall without seeing someone watch me and begin whispering something about me.  And I cannot even begin to imagine what was said behind my back.  No I was not paranoid...this was really happening. And it hurt me more than I was willing to show.

That's not to say that I didn't have friends during my preteen/teen years...but REAL and GENUINE friends were rare gems in my life.  I was raised learning how to talk to adults so I didn't always connect as well with my peers the way I did with adults (which explains why I always got along with my teachers).  Because of this, my fellow students saw me as a "goody two shoes" and nobody wanted to associate with someone like that.  Over the years, I slowly began to close myself off from everyone around me, always terrified to show myself, or even to say A WORD in class for fear that I would be taunted...again! I had lost confidence in so many areas of my life and I was never really happy.

But there were two things that I always remained confident in...and that was my singing and dancing. I never held back there because they were my two favorite things in the whole world! But this was also an issue with the people around me at school. Because I was "good" at these things and I wasn't ashamed of it, I was seen as "stuck up" and someone who thought she was better than everyone else.

As I got into my senior year of high school, a lot changed...I began to get a lot more confidence and gained a lot more friendships as we all matured and realized that holding grudges was a childish thing to do.

Once I left high school and began college, I was sure that the "making fun of people" would stop...that people would be above that in college. Well, I was wrong. And it is making me so unbelievably angry! What kind of a "mature" person in their 20s stands there and snickers behind a person's back just for opening their mouth, stating an opinion, responding to something else that was said, or God forbid even LAUGHING??!! For just wanting to fit in for heaven's sake! I have seen this happen around me...some are not aware of what people are doing, and others are. Either way it just SICKENS me! I thought that was supposed to END in high school, but apparently immaturity follows people no matter how old they get. 

I am so sick and tired of being terrified to open my mouth for fear that someone's going to make fun of me for what I say or do! Why do I feel like I need to act a certain way or have a certain personality to be accepted by people? I have several wonderful, sincere and genuine friends here who all know the real me...I don't have to try and act a certain way...they love me just like this! And I love them so much! 

So I am officially DONE trying to change myself just to try and feel worthy of friendship from certain people. I will stick to my true identity from now on. And if others don't like it, I've decided that I'm okay with that now :)

Prayer...Surrender...Little Ones...

This is so scary...but so necessary.
I have chosen to center my life around two prayers that up to this point, I have never had the courage to pray...

"Lord, from this moment on ___________ is Yours.  Do with it what You will..."
 I spend so much time living my own life, trying to do everything and handle everything alone.  But so far living for myself has not served me well.  Not that this surprises me...all my life I have heard that I must surrender my whole self to God, and to let Him lead...to trust Him with all of my heart to work out all of the circumstances in my life. But I have never had the courage to completely surrender, and even when I think I am ready for it, my heart had just never fully been "in it".  But now I am fully prepared...my heart is fully prepared. From now on, everything that I do in my life is going to be completely devoted to the Lord. When I walk into the studio to teach I am going to say, "Lord, this classroom is Yours...these children are Yours. Show me what to do with what You've entrusted to me."

"Lord, give me faith like a child..."
Picture a little girl in her Sunday School class.  She hears the story about Peter walking on water towards Jesus; the story of Jesus when he feeds five thousand people with five loaves of bread and five fish; the story of when Jesus is crucified and then he rises again three days later.  She listens with awe and wonder.  She hears her teacher telling each story and holds onto every word spoken.  Then she excitedly runs to her mother to say, "Guess what we learned about today?"  She believes every piece of the story and she needed no convincing at all.  Just because her teacher said it, she believed it was true.  Years ago, this little girl was me!  But as "grown ups", we hear things about God and we question it. We wonder how these things could possibly apply to us.  And why??  Why, when not so many years ago we were sitting in our Sunday school class hanging onto every word our teacher said to us about Bible stories?  Imagine what life could be like if we could be like that little child again...hanging onto every word from God because it would be all that we'd need. We wouldn't need anyone to convince us, we'd just...believe it. I think that God can give me that, and that is my prayer.

How one should live their life...myself included.

Fast from judging others; feast on the Christ dwelling in them. 

Fast from emphasis on differences; feast on the unity of life. 

Fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of light.

Fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God. 

Fast from words that pollute; feast on phrases that purify. 

Fast from discontent; feast on gratitude. 

Fast from anger; feast on patience. 

Fast from pessimism; feast on optimism. 

Fast from worry; feast on divine order. 

Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation. 

Fast from negatives; feast on affirmatives.

Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayer. 

Fast from hostility; feast on non-resistance. 

Fast from bitterness; feast on forgiveness. 

Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others. 

Fast from personal anxiety; feast on eternal truth. 

Fast from discouragements; feast on hope. 

Fast from facts that depress; feast on verities that uplift. 

Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm. 

Fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire. 

Fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity. 

Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence. 

Fast from problems that overwhelm; feast on prayer that undergirds.

—William Arthur Ward (American author, teacher and pastor, 1921-1994.)

It WAS a good experience!!

Oh the pageant world.  It definitely is like stepping into another planet.  All of a sudden it was as if I closed the door to the real world behind me and entered a world of glitz and glamor.

I was very surprised at how natural and comfortable everything felt to me in this new foreign world.  I came in nervous, shy, and with a negative attitude and I left feeling beautiful, stronger, and more confident in myself and my abilities.

Later on, I thought about how much pageants are about self-glorification and comparing yourself to those around you.  It's all about who is prettier, thinner, more talented...it is probably one of those most worldly things I can think of.  As a Christian I have always been taught that I should not allow myself to be influenced by worldly things, and likewise I should not spend my time comparing myself to other people, because these things will not satisfy.  Instead I should focus on internal beauty and the things that are important to God and spend my time learning to be like Him and reflect His image.  This is what is truly satisfied.

While I absolutely believe this, I did not find this pageant to be unhealthy for me.  I am glad that I did it, although I did not win anything.  I didn't find it to be a dissatisfying experience at all.

It just makes me wonder...is there anything wrong with feeling beautiful? To want to shine on stage?  The fact is that God gave me my talents.  I think He would want me to use them.

I loved my experience, and I am grateful for it!  I didn't view it in a negative light.  In fact, I would do it again and I hope to!  Having said that, how can someone say to me that this was NOT God's will?  How could they say that I made a choice that was not pleasing to God? (Worst of all, after saying ALL of THAT, how could they tell me that I am not the pageant "type" as those other girls are?  What a contradiction!)  Before this pageant I prayed that I would be a light...that I WOULD reflect the image of God through my actions.  And that day, I know God was with me the whole time.  He took away my nerves when I asked Him to.  He gave me the words to talk about my platform, Adoption as an Option.  So how could you say that I made an "ungodly" choice when I stood up there promoting one of the most God-ordained things in our world?...Adoption!

All of this negativity (especially coming from someone who is SUPPOSED to be encouraging me and building me up) is what would make me hesitant to try something like this again.  But I don't think that God was disappointed with me for this.  I think that no matter what, he views me as His precious and beautiful daughter.  And as I got to display the talent He gave me and speak on a topic that is pleasing to Him, I truly felt like His.

Great anticipation!!!

I can't believe how fast everything is coming!! Look at all of this! The rest of this semester is gonna be wonderful!

1 week = Spring Break!
2 weeks = Miss Duneland Pageant!
3 weeks = Zeitgeist show and going to see Ballet Magnificat!
4 weeks = Hoosier Star auditions!
5 weeks = My ballet students' recital!
6 weeks = Unsure right now, but there's always something :) Maybe this'll be my week to kind of relax a bit!
7 weeks = Music Ministry Team Chapel and then we are off to South Carolina!! Woot woot!!
8 weeks = Choral Showcase
9 weeks = Easter (my favorite holiday!!)...plus a 4 day weekend...kinda awesome :)
10 weeks = Finals week! The end of my junior year!
11 weeks = Choir tour to the Upper Peninsula!

"Shine a light in the darkest place..."

I have always been a "girl's girl"...ever since I can remember.

When I was little, my mom used to dress me up in pink, ruffly dresses that would twirl whenever I'd spin around.  I loved wearing big bows in my long, curly, golden brown hair. I was obsessed with Disney princesses like Belle, Cinderella, and Pocahontas. I'd play with Barbie dolls for hours, and I especially loved when I could dress them up in long, sparkling gowns! 

But the thing I remember most about being a little girl was that I CONSTANTLY wanted to be the center of attention! I was always ready to sing a solo at church, recite Dorthy's lines from "The Wizard of Oz" (getting them completely correct down to the last word!), get my picture taken, or do absolutely anything in front of my mom's video camera!

I look back on all of that and I cannot believe how much I've changed now that I've grown up. Oh, I am still as "girly" as I've ever been, but I've become so much more self conscious. I no longer want my picture taken all the time...unless my makeup and hair is done to MY satisfaction. I hate being recorded and I always tell my mom to take the camera away. I still love to sing and perform in front of an audience but now there's always a question in the back of my mind, "Did I REALLY do well?? Or were they just being polite?"

...and a few months ago if you had asked me if I would do a beauty pageant, my answer would've been a resounding, "NO!"

...and my reasoning...too scary. Maybe I would've started the process, but my nerves would kick in and I would start to get anxious, and my first instinct would be to quit. Well, the nerves have definitely hit...the process of getting ready has been stressful, and the closer it gets, the more anxious I get. But now I am committed to it and there is no going back. I didn't give it up, even though the thought of it scared me to death!

When 2011 began, I promised myself that I would not allow fear to run my life anymore! I was going to follow through with this and I was going to do it!  And not just this pageant, but the other scary things that are bound to happen in the future!  It doesn't matter that I am afraid, because this is going to be a great opportunity for me to not only gain even more confidence than I have already, but also to be a witness! It's a great chance to display Christ in front of my competitors.  I love the idea of someone looking at me and saying, "Something about her is different." and seeing beyond just my physical appearance. I want to walk away knowing that there is a possibility that I have impacted someone around me at this event.

So as scary as being in a pageant seems most of the time, I'm actually excited about it and ready to enjoy every minute of it! I can't wait for the opportunity to not only feel beautiful (and i know i will) but to impact someone's life with my words and to be Jesus to somebody.

Road Maps

When I think about the future, I always think I know exactly what it's going to look like. I see exactly where I want to be and exactly what I want to do. I am so convinced that to go "there" and to do "that" is what I want, and that between now and graduation, my mind isn't going to change.

So what happens when that image in my mind changes?  My immediate reaction is to usually to think, No! You have a great plan! Stick to it!
But is my plan the one that matters?

At this time last month I would've said, "Of course it is! I gave God his chance to show up in my life and he didn't! So I'm done! My life is mine!"
I thought I knew so much. I consciously turned away from God and made Him NOTHING to me. I never outwardly showed it but my insides raged whenever I heard someone talk about how good God is. I had come to the realization that I had seen plenty of evidence of God in the lives of those around me...but not in my own life. I don't think I ever stopped believing in His existence altogether, but my heart had become so hardened just the same.
Then one day, I heard His voice call out to me. Of course it wasn't literally, but I knew it was Him. I cannot remember the circumstances of that day. I have been racking my brain but I cannot even remember what I was doing at that moment when the Lord found me. All I can remember is that the Lord was beckoning to me. I had turned my back and He wanted me to face Him again...to come back to His embrace where He would always love me and where I could find solid ground and never have to be anxious or afraid. He showed me that I had so many burdens I was carrying and that He was going to take them away from me.
With not even a hint of the reluctance that I had shown throughout the entire past year, I accepted His offer...all of it. And I tell you, my heart literally felt lighter! For the first time EVER, I knew I was His...completely His. And it wasn't for anybody else. It was for me...and Him.

Now, back to my original question: What if the plan I had for myself changes? Is it really my plan that matters?
After all of this time, I finally say, no. My road map for life is not going to get me to my destination. God holds the keys, the map, the guiding lights along the way.  Although I am the one to do the actual navigating, and I'm sure I will hit some detours along the way, I have the ultimate tour guide to help me pass through them.
God's making things happen! I only know that because I never would've stopped to think about it until now. All of the things that have come up lately, the things that have been forcing me to stop and rethink my "route" in life, they are all God-things. And God is bigger, and greater, and knows better. And who knows? Maybe He's not changing my direction. Maybe He just wants me to slow down and wait for awhile...see where these new events in my life will eventually lead me. So, wherever He decides to take me, even if the way is bumpy and full of holes, I'm ready to go there. And I'm excited!

"I So Hate Consequences"

"When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, "I miss you son. Come home"
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time...
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so's
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you" 
~relient k

Talking to myself

I recall a sermon from a few years back that I heard at my church at a Sunday evening service. It was entitled: "What you FEEL vs. what is REAL". The speaker talked about how too often we let our emotions control what we do and how we go about our daily lives. We wake up and we think, "I'm not going to get up right this minute because I don't feel like it." Or there's a pile of work (or homework) sitting on our desks and we think, "I'm not going to do this work right now because I don't feel like it."
We do the same thing when it comes to our faith too. We think, "I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible right now so I'm not going to." We even go to the extreme and say, "I don't feel God's presence in my life, so he must not be there at all."
I cannot even count the amount of times I have let my emotions control the way I live my life...whether it's my faith or just my daily life. I always say that I don't feel like doing something at that time, but does that change the fact that I need to, even if I don't want to?
There is a difference between LISTENING to ourselves and TALKING to ourselves. Talking to yourself means actually saying, "You know what? Who cares if I don't feel like doing this! I need to, so I'm gonna do it!" We need to wake up at the time we say we're going to even if we're too sleepy. We need to do our work (or in my case, homework) even if we think we can put it off. We need to pray and read our Bibles even if we don't get a warm fuzzy feeling inside of us from it, because we need God's word in our lives. And most importantly, even if we can't feel God with us, He always is. No feelings can change that fact.
I don't know why this message topic popped into my mind today, but I know that over the past year I have let my feelings run me more than ever before. I have only listened to myself.
This year, and in the years following, I choose to talk to myself.

Dear 2010, You are officially behind me.

Dear Depression, I have always let you win in the past. But now my JOY will be victorious over you!

Dear Satan, Your lies and your trickery have no place in my heart. Leave me! You cannot win anymore!

Dear Fear, You are not going to get in the way of my learning to LOVE andTRUST again!

Dear Jealousy, You serve no good purpose and all you’ve brought me is hurt. I am letting you go.

Dear Bitterness, I realize it’s going to take some time to get rid of you, but you have definitely overstayed your welcome. Get ready to take off because I am going to start pushing you out.

Dear Lord, You’ve still been God and You’ve still been good, even when I didn’t think that You were. Forgive me for not trusting You. And now, in this moment, I surrender all of the above things that I have struggled with this past year and cast them away! Be victorious! Overcome! Triumph!

Dear 2011, Welcome! You are MOST welcome!