Wanting to just TRUST!

I just got back from seeing the movie "Soul Surfer"...
For those of you who may not be familiar, it is the true story of Bethany Hamilton, a surfer who was attacked by a shark and lost her arm, but still she went on to be a professional surfer! This didn't come easily for her though, she endured a lot of struggles and a lot of heartache. She questioned why it was happening to her and she dealt with a lot of anger.  But the thing that struck me the most was that she never, not once, directed her anger at God. She grew up having faith in God, and of all things that could make her faith waver, this would do it! But her faith did NOT waver. Almost immediately after her attack while she was lying in her hospital bed she was asking, "When can I surf again?" and she was quoting Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
My point here is that she TRUSTED God...even when she wondered "how could this be His plan for me?" still she trusted Him.  And He took her through some amazing things in the weeks that followed that changed her perspective and only challenged her further to get back in the water and continue surfing.
I don't think once, in my whole life, have I EVER fully given my trust to the Lord. Oh, I've said it before, "Lord, I am willing to take whatever you have for me. Do with me what you will. I trust you." I said it over and over again...but I think I mostly repeated it to convince myself. Then I would write about my "commitment" to God in my journal...again to convince myself, thinking that if I saw it in writing, it would be real. Then I'd tell someone that I finally got right with God (again)...once again, although not consciously, wanting to convince myself. Maybe if I said it out loud to someone, it would be for real.  But it seems like I always just fail in this area.  My faith has just never been secure.  It's not that I don't believe in God and every story in the Bible that I've known since I was a little girl! But is it enough to just believe in Bible stories? It would be so easy to say that I believe in everything that God's word has for ME too...but the deepest truth is that sometimes, I don't think I do...in fact, sometimes I'm not even sure it's for me.
After watching Bethany's story, I left feeling so encouraged, so motivated, and so inspired! It made me want to make a REAL commitment to God, and not have it be just on the surface. A deep commitment and trust of ANY kind scares me to death...so putting my full trust in the One who is supposed to be in complete control feels like it's taking all control away from me, and that scares me too much. I've never been able to give in to that.
My earthly relationships suffer from this fear too. I've never been able to fully trust anyone, the result of a big letdown. I withhold and distance so much of myself from people to the point where I am rarely able to connect with people on any kind of deep level.  And I do the same thing with God.  I have never allowed myself to connect with Him on a deep level.
I keep saying I want to change this part of my life...in my relationships on earth, and in my relationship with God. I want to stop being afraid. I want to have the strength and determination that Bethany had...I want to trust like she did. So why is my flesh so much more powerful than this desire? Where's the willpower to just give in to these constant fears and doubts crowding my mind? I can't find it.

Some things from high school still follow you...

When I was in middle school and high school, I was labeled as the "good girl". I was the one who always followed the rules, always got along with her teachers, never did anything crazy or took any risks, and always stuck to her conservative values.  I never had a problem with being labeled this way because I was proud of who I was.  But I was also the subject of much ridicule and teasing because of the way I was.  I couldn't open my mouth in class without hearing a snicker or a whisper behind me.  Sometimes I couldn't even walk down the hall without seeing someone watch me and begin whispering something about me.  And I cannot even begin to imagine what was said behind my back.  No I was not paranoid...this was really happening. And it hurt me more than I was willing to show.

That's not to say that I didn't have friends during my preteen/teen years...but REAL and GENUINE friends were rare gems in my life.  I was raised learning how to talk to adults so I didn't always connect as well with my peers the way I did with adults (which explains why I always got along with my teachers).  Because of this, my fellow students saw me as a "goody two shoes" and nobody wanted to associate with someone like that.  Over the years, I slowly began to close myself off from everyone around me, always terrified to show myself, or even to say A WORD in class for fear that I would be taunted...again! I had lost confidence in so many areas of my life and I was never really happy.

But there were two things that I always remained confident in...and that was my singing and dancing. I never held back there because they were my two favorite things in the whole world! But this was also an issue with the people around me at school. Because I was "good" at these things and I wasn't ashamed of it, I was seen as "stuck up" and someone who thought she was better than everyone else.

As I got into my senior year of high school, a lot changed...I began to get a lot more confidence and gained a lot more friendships as we all matured and realized that holding grudges was a childish thing to do.

Once I left high school and began college, I was sure that the "making fun of people" would stop...that people would be above that in college. Well, I was wrong. And it is making me so unbelievably angry! What kind of a "mature" person in their 20s stands there and snickers behind a person's back just for opening their mouth, stating an opinion, responding to something else that was said, or God forbid even LAUGHING??!! For just wanting to fit in for heaven's sake! I have seen this happen around me...some are not aware of what people are doing, and others are. Either way it just SICKENS me! I thought that was supposed to END in high school, but apparently immaturity follows people no matter how old they get. 

I am so sick and tired of being terrified to open my mouth for fear that someone's going to make fun of me for what I say or do! Why do I feel like I need to act a certain way or have a certain personality to be accepted by people? I have several wonderful, sincere and genuine friends here who all know the real me...I don't have to try and act a certain way...they love me just like this! And I love them so much! 

So I am officially DONE trying to change myself just to try and feel worthy of friendship from certain people. I will stick to my true identity from now on. And if others don't like it, I've decided that I'm okay with that now :)