Some things from high school still follow you...

When I was in middle school and high school, I was labeled as the "good girl". I was the one who always followed the rules, always got along with her teachers, never did anything crazy or took any risks, and always stuck to her conservative values.  I never had a problem with being labeled this way because I was proud of who I was.  But I was also the subject of much ridicule and teasing because of the way I was.  I couldn't open my mouth in class without hearing a snicker or a whisper behind me.  Sometimes I couldn't even walk down the hall without seeing someone watch me and begin whispering something about me.  And I cannot even begin to imagine what was said behind my back.  No I was not paranoid...this was really happening. And it hurt me more than I was willing to show.

That's not to say that I didn't have friends during my preteen/teen years...but REAL and GENUINE friends were rare gems in my life.  I was raised learning how to talk to adults so I didn't always connect as well with my peers the way I did with adults (which explains why I always got along with my teachers).  Because of this, my fellow students saw me as a "goody two shoes" and nobody wanted to associate with someone like that.  Over the years, I slowly began to close myself off from everyone around me, always terrified to show myself, or even to say A WORD in class for fear that I would be taunted...again! I had lost confidence in so many areas of my life and I was never really happy.

But there were two things that I always remained confident in...and that was my singing and dancing. I never held back there because they were my two favorite things in the whole world! But this was also an issue with the people around me at school. Because I was "good" at these things and I wasn't ashamed of it, I was seen as "stuck up" and someone who thought she was better than everyone else.

As I got into my senior year of high school, a lot changed...I began to get a lot more confidence and gained a lot more friendships as we all matured and realized that holding grudges was a childish thing to do.

Once I left high school and began college, I was sure that the "making fun of people" would stop...that people would be above that in college. Well, I was wrong. And it is making me so unbelievably angry! What kind of a "mature" person in their 20s stands there and snickers behind a person's back just for opening their mouth, stating an opinion, responding to something else that was said, or God forbid even LAUGHING??!! For just wanting to fit in for heaven's sake! I have seen this happen around me...some are not aware of what people are doing, and others are. Either way it just SICKENS me! I thought that was supposed to END in high school, but apparently immaturity follows people no matter how old they get. 

I am so sick and tired of being terrified to open my mouth for fear that someone's going to make fun of me for what I say or do! Why do I feel like I need to act a certain way or have a certain personality to be accepted by people? I have several wonderful, sincere and genuine friends here who all know the real me...I don't have to try and act a certain way...they love me just like this! And I love them so much! 

So I am officially DONE trying to change myself just to try and feel worthy of friendship from certain people. I will stick to my true identity from now on. And if others don't like it, I've decided that I'm okay with that now :)