Even if...? No. Doesn't work for me.

I've been on an "uptick" recently.
Meaning, since the last time I posted here, I was having more good days than bad ones. Which felt great, of course, but I always wonder how long it's going to last. Or if it's going to last at all

As usual, it was short lived.

I'm backsliding...again.

I've been hearing songs on the radio lately that I just can't even listen to anymore. If they come on, I have to change the station. One of them goes like this:

Even if the healing doesn't come

and life falls apart, and dreams are still undone,

You are God, You are good, forever faithful one...

even if the healing doesn't come.

Do I still believe God is good? Yes of course I do. Do I still believe He is there and faithful? Absolutely.

BUT, I can't handle the idea of "even if the healing doesn't come." 

Not just for me, but for my best friend, and ANYONE else who struggles with this horrible illness. Some people overcome it. Some people actually do get healing from it. So why them, and not others?

I've prayed ((no wait...BEGGED)) for God to intervene so many times...in Lisa's life especially. I honestly don't really care about my own anymore. For awhile I thought maybe He was doing something amazing, and I was so excited and grateful for it! But now it seems to be falling apart. 

And that seems to be the pattern in my life. Every time something good starts happening, I get excited about it, things are going well, and I'm happy...WITHOUT FAIL, something comes along to derail it. And that's a struggle I don't want to try and handle anymore.

Another one of those songs goes like this:

You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far

that you can't get back when you lost where you are.

It's never too late, so bad, so much

that you can't change who you are.

Now, don't get me wrong...I'm NOT BY ANY MEANS TRYING TO DIMINISH SOMEONE ELSE'S PAIN! I know how that feels. I would never do that.

However, it just seems like the people who wrote these songs may have definitely gone through hard times...but their faith was strong enough to get them through it.

What about those of us whose faith is just not that strong? Or even if it is, we've waited, and waited, and waited for something to happen, and it never does. Or we hope in vain because even when we think we see something good on the horizon, it disappears as quickly as it seemed to come.

I lack strength to pray. And now that I've been fighting a battle that is not even mine, I'm feeling more drained than ever. Which is my own fault...I let myself get there. I haven't learned how to separate myself from other people's struggles yet.

Lisa is "war-weary". She's had to fight for too long.

Others I know and care about are hanging by a thread too.

These are the moments where I say, "Where are You? Any why do others get victory over this and we don't?"

No amount of "self talk" helps.

Praying doesn't seem like enough...especially considering that I can't even do that right now.

Nothing works.

I'm stuck. 

I would really appreciate other people's prayers since I can't do that right now. Thank you :)) 

Directions

I've been sitting here on my bed trying to come up with something to say about how I feel right now.

I don't know where to begin.

I had NO IDEA and NO ANTICIPATION of any of this happening.

I was trying really hard...doing everything right...there was a plan in motion, and I was set in it...and finally excited about it!

It's like I was walking down a road

and then all of a sudden...

BANG!!!!!

A huge explosion went off right in front of me.

Right in the middle of the road.

And it set me back...way back.

I feel like I am still trembling on the ground, trying to breathe and get over the shock of such a huge blow.

But I look ahead and I see that the smoke hasn't cleared yet. 

I can't see the road anymore. Not at all.

But I don't think the smoke has to clear away for me to know that THIS ROAD may very well be destroyed.

And I may have to find a new one.

But I don't know where that is or how to find it.

Up until now, I have practically been running down this path full speed, so boiled over with excitement to reach my destination!

I pushed past every road block, every obstacle, SURVIVING what came around every corner.

I knew that I could still get there! And I WANTED TO GET THERE!

And then I hit the biggest, toughest road block yet,

which not only disoriented me...but it knocked me completely off the track.

I can't see.

Everything in front of me is covered in haze and looks so foggy.

And I have no way of knowing whether I need to turn around, or to turn in a different direction, or just sit here and wait until the smoke clears away and I can actually SEE what I need to do.

But I can't sit and wait too long.

Bottom line: I am afraid.

I am completely lost and I have no direction whatsoever right now.

No clue.

Nothing.

I need God to show up...like, right now.

But I feel like He's been very absentee lately. Not only in my life but in the lives of other people around me.

I feel like He's been making a habit out of not showing up when I DESPERATELY need Him to.

And right now is one of those moments of desperation.

What can I do?

A HUGE door opened...and I'm walking through it!

I have a new goal for myself...

...and I am so unbelievably excited about it!!

Ready for this??

Drum roll, please... :))

I am writing a book!!

It might sound absolutely crazy, because at some point, most people have tried to write something in their lifetime, or at least they wanted to. But it never worked out for them...for whatever reason...

Maybe they actually started it, but then became discouraged with themselves and gave up. (Understandable!)

Maybe they started and then became unmotivated to finish. (Hey, it happens! I have no problem--anymore--admitting that I don't finish A LOT of projects because I lose the motivation to finish them. Just being honest.)

Maybe their lives just got busy and writing got put on the back burner for too long, so it just never happened.

It doesn't matter what the reason is, because I, myself, have used all of them before, too. My point is that even though the idea may sound a little crazy right now, I am really, genuinely excited about this!

Soooo...what will this book be about, you may ask??

Good question :))

I haven't come up with an official title yet...which is okay.

But it's going to be written specifically for people who have been affected by depression...whether that's someone who has suffered from this horrible MONSTER of a disease, or someone who has watched another person they love suffer through it.

I plan to address depression by going into everything that comes with it...

Examples: Anxiety & panic attacks, feeling unlovable, abandonment from friends & family, eating disorders...so much more.

...because I've been there, done that.

All of that.

In fact, I'm still doing that.

And that's going to be a point that will be EMPHASIZED...that my story is NOT OVER YET.

This is just going to be me sharing experiences that I so long to share and what I am learning from them.

This book will be full of anecdotes from my own personal experiences and also the experiences of other people I know who also deal with this illness on a regular basis (because, believe me, I know some people who have A LOT to offer!).

This book will also address depression from a Biblical standpoint...I still have a lot of thinking and praying to do about this. I am not quite sure how I'm going to fit it all together yet. But hey, nothing says that I need to have all of the answers RIGHT NOW :))

Finally, I am hoping that this book will reach two different audiences.

{first of all}

those who suffer from depression and don't know how to handle it or what to do. I want to help them not only have a better understanding of it, but also to realize that there is HOPE!! Because when we are at our lowest point, it is so easy to feel hopeLESS. And we don't have to! 

My main point to get across: When we are so far down that we cannot even FUNCTION, when we are abandoned from all angles by people we thought we could trust, when we think we are facing the end and there is no way out, God shows Himself in the most incredible ways possible!

{secondly}

those who have watched people suffer from depression and don't know how to handle it or what to do. Because the fact is, if you haven't dealt with it yourself, you could never possibly understand it. I want to show these people that this illness is REAL...and those who suffer from it are those who need to be loved the most. Not abandoned. Which seems to be so easy for people to do...simply because they don't understand.

I truly believe that God has opened a door here. 

He has called me out for this very purpose.

I think I know now (at least to some degree) what my struggles with depression/anxiety/anorexia, etc. have been for. I know that, because of this, God is allowing me to be used as His vessel to help other people who are struggling with the same things.

And through this process, I know that He will continue to work on ME as well. 

When I talked about this idea for a book today, I found myself feeling a sense of enthusiasm that I don't think I've EVER felt before!

I'm so excited! And I can't wait to start!

I don't know how many people would read it, but if it could just reach one person, that would be MORE THAN ENOUGH...and nothing short of a MIRACLE from God!

Because, after all, He gets all the credit.

Blessings & Struggles

I know I promised a post about the experiences at the Ballet Magnificat performance.
I said I would write a big update on Sunday night after the performance.
But I didn't. For a few reasons.
One, I was tired, and so was Lisa. Both of us had a lot on our minds.
Two, I actually left with very, VERY mixed feelings. On one hand I was completely inspired and uplifted by the ballet. I always enjoy this company, especially since I know the owners and a few of the company members. But on the other hand I left feeling a little bit discouraged...because what I really hoped would happen, and prayed might happen, did not happen.

{I don't really want to go into detail about that right now. I know I've been pretty open about sharing things on this blog lately, but this is just something I do not feel a desire to share right now.}

anyway, moving on...

There have been other things that happened this week so far that are definitely worth sharing.

and for these things, I ask for BIG TIME PRAYER!! 

God is really good...always...regardless of any heartache I am experiencing. I know this and believe this from the bottom of my heart. And I can see Him at work right now. 

God sightings/Experiences...

{one} I had a really good conversation with Vince about his faith and God. I had been hoping for a conversation like this for a long time, and the entire time he talked to me, I was begging God to give me words, all the while listening intently. One thing I can say for sure is that God DID give me words to speak. And although I know that nothing can be resolved in one conversation, and although he didn't say much after I was finished talking, I know that our conversation wasn't for nothing, and I anticipate many more talks like that one.

{two} Anorexia is still a dominate thought in my brain. Any of my other struggles always circle around and come back to that. It is so easily triggered by other things. Monday, I struggled terribly with it. I suddenly found myself in a state where I said to myself, "I DO NOT WANT TO GET BETTER!" And I don't think those thoughts are going to go away anytime soon. I sort of made up my mind. However, God found me in the midst of these thoughts. He woke me up on Tuesday morning and I realized that I actually felt pretty good. I was able to sit down and create kind of a "meal plan" for myself so that I wasn't going entirely without food. I don't think I would have done that on my own. I think God is really trying to work here. Even though, right now, I don't want recovery, I know that you can't stop the work of our great God. BUT, I also know that there will be so many moments during this process where I will fight Him on EVERYTHING, because the idea of "recovery" ties my stomach in knots!  Still, I know He is TRYING...and I want to listen! I do! I know that being healthy is something that I NEED and something that God, and so many others in my life WANT for me! I just don't want it for myself yet. I thought I did {{and I think at one point, I really did}}, and I really wish I did. But right now, I don't.

{three} The generosity of the Macri family just keeps growing and growing. Spending any amount of time with Dr. and Mrs. Macri is such an incredible reminder that I am so beyond blessed to  be here in their home. They want to help me too, and I can see how much they care...like, really care. It's also great to having Lisa down the hall. I tend to get  really lonely if I stay in my room for too long, and it's so nice to be able to go into her room and spend lovely time with her. We may not even do anything at all, but it doesn't matter. Having my best friend right there is more than enough. And we have so much fun...maybe too much fun?? Ha! I love laughing with Lisa :)) Again, another reminder that I am so very blessed.

Yes, God is always good, even when I'm not feeling good.

I have a long road ahead of me still.

But I know He is going to be walking it with me.

And He has placed beautiful, encouraging people in my life to walk it with me as well.

Things to come...

God is gonna do something awesome.

He usually does. 

But this time, I have a feeling it's gonna be really, really cool :))

Tomorrow, Lisa & I are going to see

Ballet Magnificat!

I'm really looking forward to it! I never miss them when they come through the area! And I'm looking forward to sharing the experience with my favorite person in the world :))

I truly believe in God-ordained events, and I believe that THIS is going to be one of them. I think it's going to be an incredible experience for both of us. Even though I've seen this company perform several times, it always speaks to me in a new way. And with everything that has been going on in my life lately, I find myself longing (and nervous) to hear what God has to say to me through this ministry.

And I'm really excited, too, to see how other hearts are going to be affected by this.

I love when things like this happen!!

I will write a post about the experience tomorrow.

eeeeeeeeeee!!!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!

And this is what I've been given...

I woke up this morning not feeling at all like myself. There wasn't any particular reason for it...sometimes that's just what happens. I can't say that I feel better right now, but I can say that I feel so completely blessed. And  it's because I'm surrounded by some incredible people right now.

The Macri family are the most unselfish, kindhearted people I have ever met.

I am privileged to be staying with them right now. 

And I think it's about time I wrote a little bit about them so that all of you can know them in some way. I think EVERYONE should be so blessed to know this family!!

First, there's Dr. Paul Macri. He's retired now, but you can see that he still is so passionate about helping other people. My multiple conversations with him have been nothing short of enlightening every single time! He shows a genuine interest in people and truly, TRULY cares about what someone has to say to him. He is definitely a talker, but I love that about him. Because he is so easy to talk to. He makes me feel so comfortable and so at home in his home. And he'll do that for anyone who comes into his home!

Mrs. Pam Macri is the very definition of a Proverbs 31 woman {{read it and take a look especially at verses 25-31. It really doesn't get explained much better than that}}, and she possesses the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is what God calls us out to be as women in 1 Peter 3. She is incredibly generous of heart, and I only ever see her put the needs of others before her own. She is a wonderful example to me of how to truly be a Godly wife and mother. She has done an amazing job of making me feel like part of the family, even before I started living here!  And, just as an added bonus, she is a GREAT cook too :))

Then there's Vince Macri. He does not always say a lot, but when he speaks it is so clear to me how intelligent he is. He is an avid reader and loves to write, and we both share a mutual admiration for the writings of C.S. Lewis. I have never personally read anything that Vince has written, but I hope, someday soon, I will be fortunate enough to. Vince is very "quick-witted" and he has made me laugh {hard!} on more than one occasion. If I could wish one thing for him, it would be to see him stop hurting so deeply. I know that he deals with a great deal of pain, and it makes me so sad to see. It has been such a pleasure for me to get to know him over the past several months, and I have come to really care for him quite a lot. I want to see him happy and healthy. Because that would make ME incredibly happy!

Last, but CERTAINLY not least, there is my dear, sweet Lisa Macri. I have never in my life met anyone like Lisa! From the first day we met back in Februrary, it was as if we had known each other for years. During what has been probably the darkest period of my life, she has practically never left my side. We became friends fast, and although I always say that I don't think ANYONE would have put us together, God KNEW  we were supposed to be friends and that we needed each other. Our meeting was completely God-ordained. I fully believe that. He has blessed our friendship beyond  anything I could say to describe it. I honestly don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have Lisa. And now, I have her just right down the hallway...best blessing in the WORLD! She's God's greatest gift to me. I am her "little sparrow" and she is my "Mama bird"...and in case you didn't know where my blog title came from, you do now! With her as well, all I truly want for her is that she would be happy, REALLY happy. I wish I could make her see herself the way I see her, and even more importantly, how her Heavenly Father sees her.

I love the Macri family a lot! I really do feel like I belong here, and it's been a very long time since I've felt that way. I felt inspired to write about them tonight because on days like today, when I am feeling way less than my best, sitting with them around their kitchen table and just enjoying conversation with them is enough to turn my entire day around. They have a way of livening up your life and they have a way of making you see things differently.

I thank God for them.

All the time.

Daily.

A Painful Truth

I'm really bad at writing posts like this...
mainly because I am too concerned about what people will think of me.
I have read some incredible blogs written by amazing girls who share from the deepest parts of their heart.
Most of the time, I WISH I was brave enough to be that real on my blog.

I hold back from sharing the parts of my life that are difficult to talk about

completely out of fear.

What I'm about to talk about in the next few minutes is NOT something that I share with just anyone. My heart is pounding even as I type this out. I am honestly terrified to talk about this...

and to have this out there, where ANYONE can read it.

Now, inevitably, someone right now is thinking...

             "Then why WOULD you share this stuff? If it's too personal, then why put it out in cyberspace for EVERYONE to read?"

I've thought the same thing. But when I thought about it, I feel like this is something I really should share. If there is someone else out there who is going through something similar, my hope is that my story will encourage them, and let them know that they are not alone in their fight.

And I'm gonna be a little bit blunt here...if you read this and think that I'm writing just to get a response, or to find a way to get attention, then you don't know me at all and you should just leave.

There. I said it. :))

Okay, here we go. I'm about to be PAINFULLY honest here. 

I've shared this story with A FEW of my very close friends.

But many {actually MOST} of my friends have never heard this story.

As a matter of fact, up until now, I wasn't even able to admit this to myself.

Many people who know me have seen my sudden, dramatic weight loss over the past several months.

The majority of this was due to all of the anxiety, stress, and depression I struggled with...I had no interest in food. Of course, I knew this wasn't healthy. But I couldn't help it. The very idea of food made me sick!

Eventually, as time went by, I was able to go back to eating a little bit more normally.

This should have been a great thing right? I should have been feeling a lot better...less tired, less weak...healthier. Right?

Yeah, I should have. But that's not what happened. 

Instead, a very familiar feeling came over me. It consumed me to my very core as I made the mistake of stepping onto the scale...and looked down to see that I had gained 4 pounds.

A surge of panic went through my entire body. The worst part of it was that I didn't understand where it was coming from. Up until that point, my weight was something that I was very happy with. I was comfortable in my own skin. I didn't expect to feel so awful when I looked down to see the "new number". Unfortunately though, it was a feeling that had visited me many, many times before. It was a feeling I knew all too well. I was so sure I had "gotten rid of it"...........

but there it was, 

making itself at home in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind & heart.

All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped in my mind.

All of a sudden, food became the enemy...again.

All of a sudden, my thoughts became toxic...again.

It was nothing new. I had experienced all of this before. I had made the decision before. And whether I wanted to think about it or not, one thing was for certain...

these thoughts never went away.

Sure, I wished them away.

I had convinced myself that I was never going to let it get to this point again.

i was completely kidding myself.

After that I went about my normal life. I even ate normal meals. I ate out a lot. People around me SAW me eat.

I was eating fine {so I thought}. But it came with so much guilt. My insides churned every time I finished a full meal.

{There are plenty more anecdotes to this story. But it would just take way too much time to explain all of it. Besides, all the rest is just minor details anyhow.}

This week, I took a huge step.

I talked about my problem {yes, problem} out loud. I'm not even sure where the courage to talk about it came from. But all of a sudden, there it was! And that has NOT been a familiar feeling!

However, I didn't say the actual word...again, out of fear, I wouldn't say it. I was too ashamed. I couldn't form the word.

So now...*deep breath*...in the hopes that no one will hate me after this...here it is:

ANOREXIA.

I'm looking at the word right now, and I am still having trouble believing it actually exists in me. The shame & guilt associated with this word are making me feel extremely uncomfortable. I keep thinking: is this real? Do I really have this problem? Should I even be talking about this right now? What will people think? I've been trying to make myself a role model for my students and the high school girls in my small group at church? Does this change how people view me?  

Here is the reality:

I want to get past this. I want to heal. I want to be healthy. I want to feel better all around...physically and emotionally.

Recently, I have been learning to be more confident in myself...to see myself as beautiful...to see myself through the eyes of people who love me, and most importantly through the eyes of our God. 

I have an incredible support system of people around me. I THANK GOD for my friends! And I thankful that GOD knows me better than I know myself, and that He gave me the courage to WANT to fix this. 

I know that with time, prayer, and tons of encouragement, I am going to be fine.

TO ANYONE WHO MAY BE STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING DISORDER...

First thing's first...you are not alone.

That sounds so cliche, but it's so true. 

Don't allow yourself to suffer alone.

It's one thing to have an eating disorder...it's quite another to suffer on your own.

PRAY, my friend! Ask God to give you courage to face this monster of a disease. If you don't find it right away, ask again. God WANTS you to depend on HIM to get you through this. 

Ask Him to bring you to the right people so that you will have support. God created us to depend on each other. He doesn't want us to be alone.

He definitely sent the right people to me!

I promise, friend, He hears you. He sees you suffering. And He doesn't like it. Suffering is NOT from God!

you.are.loved.

This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. And people may have changed their opinion of me because of it. But, ya know what? I think it's okay that I shared all of this. God doesn't want us to keep our struggles inside. He gave us one another to carry each other through the roughest parts of life. We were never meant to carry our burdens alone. Leaning on each other and on Him is what He wanted from the beginning.

So I choose to do just that. I'm relying on God to help me heal. And for those of you who are willing, I'm asking you to walk this road with me.

healing. 

now that sounds like a much better word, doesn't it?

:))

  

Yes, it's a Ballet post

So here's the thing...

I really, really, REALLY love ballet!!!

Yeah, I know...none of you have figured that out yet, have you?? ;-)

There was a time when I made dancing my entire life. It was all I wanted to focus on. It was all I wanted.  Up until now, I've always thought that my dreams of being a ballet dancer were completely stripped away from me.  Very recently ((meaning, just within the past couple of weeks)), I have found myself feeling a lot of anger towards no longer being able to dance the way I "was before"...before I had my spine operated on.  

I've missed having the good muscle memory to pick up combinations quickly and remember them. 

I've missed the high extensions and flexibility.

I've missed having the muscle strength to be able to do things like lift my leg straight up and hold it there.

I've missed having the core strength to dance en pointe.

I've missed being able to turn a triple pirouette.

i've missed a lot of things about my sweet passion, ballet.

God placed the desire in my heart to dance from day one.

He hasn't taken that away. My passion is just as strong as it has always been.

And before today, I always just assumed I would never be good again after having such a major surgery.

But I took a look at the list of things that I miss from ballet...and I realized that all of these things are things that I can get back. It would take A LOT of hard work, and absolutely full commitment to the process...

but it can be done :)

This thought makes me so thrilled.

Oh don't get me wrong, I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up so high that I might have a chance at dancing at the level I am aiming for. I am fully aware that it might not happen at all. The limitations in my upper back from surgery may very well be too much.

Don't worry I know all of these things.

But having said that, now I won't be setting myself up for disappointment if I don't accomplish what I'm hoping for. And if I find that I can't do it, I know that I can still dance for fun, and still dance just because I love it!

So, instead of getting discouraged in class...I will look to my teachers for help and encouragement on how to improve.

Instead of giving up when I don't get something right the first time...I will fight for it, learn from my mistakes, and work hard to get it right the next time.

Instead of allowing myself to get lazy on technique just because I don't think I will ever get it back again...I will keep my focus on every technical aspect possible until it becomes total muscle memory again and I do it completely naturally.

Instead of sitting around during my free time like I usually do...I will put on a show or movie and work to tone my muscles && core.

I can't wait to get started!! 

If you really knew me...

I've seen these posts floating around the blogosphere. So I thought it would be nice {{and challenging}} to write one myself here.

If you really knew me...

You'd know that I think mountains are the most beautiful thing in creation.

You'd know that when someone close to me is struggling through a painful situation, my heart breaks in two, and I hurt right along with them.

You'd know that I tend to get really excited about an idea for awhile, but either I'll get frustrated, discouraged, or unmotivated for whatever reason and just give up.

You'd know that I hold my birth mother up among the most selfless people in the world for choosing life.

You'd know that if I didn't keep ballet in my life, I honestly don't know how I would keep my sanity (pretty much literally).

You'd know that I love to love people who truly need to be loved.

You'd know that I thrive off of words of encouragement. 

You'd know that I let judgments from other people affect me waaaayy too much.

You'd know that there are very few people in my life with whom I feel completely comfortable sharing my heart.

You'd know that I love Celtic music more than any other kind!

You'd know that I would choose being a "mommy" over having a career ANY DAY!

You'd know that when I open my Bible trying to find a Word to encourage someone else, I end up having a completely new perspective on something I'd read before, and the encouragement returns to me a hundred fold!

You'd know that I am SUCH a margin writer! And an underliner! And a highlighter!

You'd know that every time I see a sparrow, no matter how bad I am feeling that day, I can't help but smile or even giggle a little. every.single.time.

You'd know that I lay awake at night more often than not worrying about SOMETHING. And nothing helps to stop that.

You'd know that my TRUE friends {{the ones who walk along side me, pray for me, and are willing to drop just about anything to be there for me}} are the ones who hold me up, and without them, I would never be able to get out of bed in the morning.

You'd know that sometimes I don't feel worthy of asking God for anything for myself...

but you'd also know that I NEVER doubt that He is everything good, that He does not want to see His children suffer, and that He will carry me through this darkness.

I've let this sweet little blog sit for way too long now.

From looking at my last entry, I can see that it has been exactly one month since the last time I posted here.

I have to be honest I've really been diminishing myself quite a lot lately. I've been second guessing almost everything that I do, including my own writings in this blog. So much of the time, I don't think I have anything of value to write about. I read all of these other incredible blogs written by amazing girls with beautiful hearts.  These girls understand the power of the written word and how it can be used to inspire others.

I wonder...do I have the gift of words?

Could my blog really inspire or have an impact on someone else?

My thoughts return to a night a couple of weeks ago...I was awake all night long, my heart aching for one of my best friends who was dealing with a very painful situation. I sat in my bed..tears streaming down my face..wondering why in the world I couldn't find any words to help her. Why was my mind drawing such an awful blank? 

Hour after hour went by, and my heart was still hurting. My thoughts were still empty. I was exhausted, but I could not sleep. 

God finally got my attention and He reminded me that MY words were not the important ones. HIS words are. I opened up my Bible then...something I should have done from the very beginning...and God directed my eyes and my mind to find just the right words. I could sense Him speaking His Truth directly to my own heart, and giving me the strength to speak Truth directly to the heart of a dear friend.

So...

Do I have the gift of words? Maybe not all the time. But God does. And His words are the ones that really matter. So next time I feel myself getting discouraged because I think I have nothing worthwhile to say, I am going to remember that night when God pretty much told me to "get over myself" {{ha!}} and focus on what HE may want me to say instead. After all, He certainly does have some pretty great things to show me...and they certainly are worth sharing :)) 

I'm so excited about my newly redesigned blog!

I was thinking about just beginning a completely new blog, or deleting all of my previous entries so I could just start this whole process over again. But I'm glad I didn't. I think it's kind of nice to look back at your old posts, because it shows how you've experienced growth. At least it does for me.

I am going to try and write here as regularly as possible! I will be doing some "link-ups" with other blogs. This connects me with some amazing ladies out there who have beautiful blogs and lovely things to share! I'm just going to be joining with them in their loveliness :))

Other days, I will continue to share my heart with all of you. I will share about the things I am learning, how I am growing, and what I am experiencing in this walk of life. 

Also, one of my new goals is to start taking more pictures. So whenever I am able to, I will post pictures I've taken in my blog entries. 

Click on "Emily Anne is..." under my new header to find out what inspired the changes in my blog...and if you don't know me well yet, you can find out more about me there too!

:)

Thanks for stopping by!

I am excited to continue blogging again, and I know that's it's going to be so much fun for me!

Stepping back in to the "blogosphere"

I've been kind of avoiding writing here lately...simply because I didn't have the words to describe what has been happening in my life lately. Also, I have always been afraid of being vulnerable and I have the biggest fear of opening up to people.
But things are changing...again. God is doing a lot of work BOTH in me, AND people close to me. The past several weeks have brought some of the most difficult situations I've ever come up against. But at the same time, I still thank God every day because He knew exactly what I needed to get through these struggles.
Now, after avoiding the topic for so long, I think it's about that time to write a little bit about what's been happening.

** God brought the most wonderful person into my life. And it was one of those friendships that after just one conversation, it felt like we had known each  other for years!  I am quite a lot younger than her, but that doesn't even matter.  God absolutely revealed her whole self to me, and I have no doubt that He brought her to me to get me through this extremely difficult period of my life {{i'm gonna get back to that}} and she has done more than I could ever have expected ANYONE to do for me.  But on the "flip side" of that, I am so blessed that God has been using me as His vessel to help her as well. She struggles with the same things that I do (AND she's been through much worse!), and when she is hurting, I run to her as fast as she would run to me, all the while asking God to help me help HER. It has been teaching me that even when there are things that I know I cannot handle by myself, GOD CAN!! He is so powerful and He can do anything! I am so beyond thankful for my friendship with Lisa, and I honestly say that if I didn't have her, I literally have no idea where I would be right now. A TRUE gift from the Lord!

** I seriously am so glad that I have been sticking with my ballet. I love my teacher so much and the friends I have made there. When I am dancing, I get to go outside of myself for a little while, which is just so, so good. It makes me feel better, and I love the people I dance with. There are some absolutely lovely ladies there. Just another reason why I am blessed.

** Now, on to.......well, other things.  First, I'm going to use two words that may just scare everyone away and stop reading. Of course I don't blame you, because the fact is that if you don't deal with it, you won't understand it. That's just the way it is. Okay, here it goes...Word #1: Depression. Word #2: Anxiety. Yeah I know, I have trouble verbalizing both of them myself sometimes. And it's nothing new for me. I've dealt with it for years now, but I never did anything about it, and much of the time, certain people made me feel like it was my fault, and so I felt that way too. Now, you may be thinking, "Oh everyone deals with depression & anxiety at some point." Well, I don't mean to be harsh, but STOP right there! Unless you've been in a place where YOUR depression and anxiety have literally stopped you from being able to function, made you practically immobile, and caused to you dread doing your favorite things in the world (like me with teaching ballet!) then you cannot say anything on the subject. A little over a week ago, my heart was broken in half because of words from people who THINK they understand but they don't...people who I really thought I could count on. And I have spent the past several days hurting so heavily over that.
HOWEVER...in spite of all of this, God continues to show me that He is good and faithful and that He really does take care of me.  Not only has he provided me with a beautiful friend in Lisa, but also he has given me the courage and strength to seek out the help that I need. I was always so hesitant to try medicine in the past, but I finally became convinced that it might be necessary. And let me tell you, I think it is saving my life. For weeks now I have seen no light at the end of the tunnel. I was convinced I wasn't going to make it through to graduation. And now, thanks to friends who REALLY care, the meds, and the grace and mercy of God {{of course!! He gets the credit for ALL of it!}} I am finally starting to at least see a tiny "glimmer" of light, and I have been able to say to myself, "You know what? I think I might be okay." Of course, it's happening in small steps, but it's happening. And for me, that's huge right now.

WOW, that was a lot for one entry. I really didn't mean for it to get that long, haha! And most of it was probably just unnecessary rambling, but to whoever read all of it, thank you.
And I really have started to come to a place where I can praise God in the midst of all of this! I know He is obviously working on me...hard. And I don't know why it has to be so hard, but He will let me know. In His own time. In His own way. I really believe that.

I've been so excited to write about this all day!
This morning we had a speaker at Bethel, named Beth, who shared some INCREDIBLE stories. But the ones the stood out to me the most was when she started talking about her foster children! She has some adopted children and a couple of foster children.
If you know me well, you know that adoption is a huge passion of mine, and I have always known that at some point in my life I will adopt! But there's been something I've been thinking very seriously about for a couple of months now...I really think that I am being called to be a foster parent. And today that was very highly confirmed in my mind!
I know that being a foster mother would be one of the hardest jobs in the world. I can't even fathom how difficult it would be to become attached to a child only to let them go eventually! I am already the type of person who gets attached very easily and then I fall apart when I have to say goodbye to someone. So yes, I know that it would be very hard for me, but those will be the times where I will have to rely totally on God to be my strength through it all. And I am willing to do that.
Of course, I am fully aware that I still have a lot to learn about the process and I really hope that I am not being too naive about it right now. I don't even know how all of this is going to work...especially with what's coming up in my near future. I just know that I've sense the call recently, and today I was completely filled to the point of overflowing with joy about the whole thing!
And do you know what the best part about all of this is? This is absolutely, without a doubt, 100% God's doing! And for the first time EVER, my heart is completely open and surrendered to whatever He chooses to do with this. I am so excited because I know He has put this passion in my heart...and now it's going to be about waiting for His direction and timing. And I am okay with that and willing to be patient, because no matter what happens, I know that He will do something AMAZING!!
Anyone who reads this, feel free to give me your opinions on this subject! Especially if you or someone you know has experience as a foster parent! and even if you don't, I would still love and respect any of your thoughts! :-)

The year 2011...
It was a year of so many milestones.
This was the year I stepped way out of my comfort zone and did things that I never thought I would do. This was the year that I learned many things about growing up, and the year I decided that I was not going to let fear make my decisions for me anymore. I did so many things that I can look back on and say, I am SO GLAD I did this!!...like the Miss Duneland Pageant, starting my senior year of college, choreographing a musical for the first time, having so many new opportunities as a singer, and making big [and exciting] decisions about the future.
This was also the year that I finally learned how to be happy again. I know now that when I am struggling I don't have to let it bury me. I finally learned how GREAT our God truly is! It took me a long time, but it finally happened...and I'm changed forever!

2012 is going to bring so many things...
It's the year I will graduate from college. And it's the year I will be taking the biggest step of my life as I move far away to continue doing what I am passionate about...with people that I ADORE! And I know that there must be so much more coming.
All of this is so scary to think about MOST of the time...and I must admit that I am entering this new year with some fear, but of course I know that it is only natural to feel that way. I can sincerely say that I am also very excited about what is coming! And I am ready to head into it, fully trusting that God is going to be with me every step of the way.
I am so blessed to be in Miami with a dear friend for this new year! And I am so blessed in many MANY other ways, too numerous to mention now. All I can say is, "Praise God from whom all blessings flow!"