I said I would write a big update on Sunday night after the performance.
But I didn't. For a few reasons.
One, I was tired, and so was Lisa. Both of us had a lot on our minds.
Two, I actually left with very, VERY mixed feelings. On one hand I was completely inspired and uplifted by the ballet. I always enjoy this company, especially since I know the owners and a few of the company members. But on the other hand I left feeling a little bit discouraged...because what I really hoped would happen, and prayed might happen, did not happen.
{I don't really want to go into detail about that right now. I know I've been pretty open about sharing things on this blog lately, but this is just something I do not feel a desire to share right now.}
anyway, moving on...
There have been other things that happened this week so far that are definitely worth sharing.
and for these things, I ask for BIG TIME PRAYER!!
God is really good...always...regardless of any heartache I am experiencing. I know this and believe this from the bottom of my heart. And I can see Him at work right now.
God sightings/Experiences...
{one} I had a really good conversation with Vince about his faith and God. I had been hoping for a conversation like this for a long time, and the entire time he talked to me, I was begging God to give me words, all the while listening intently. One thing I can say for sure is that God DID give me words to speak. And although I know that nothing can be resolved in one conversation, and although he didn't say much after I was finished talking, I know that our conversation wasn't for nothing, and I anticipate many more talks like that one.
{two} Anorexia is still a dominate thought in my brain. Any of my other struggles always circle around and come back to that. It is so easily triggered by other things. Monday, I struggled terribly with it. I suddenly found myself in a state where I said to myself, "I DO NOT WANT TO GET BETTER!" And I don't think those thoughts are going to go away anytime soon. I sort of made up my mind. However, God found me in the midst of these thoughts. He woke me up on Tuesday morning and I realized that I actually felt pretty good. I was able to sit down and create kind of a "meal plan" for myself so that I wasn't going entirely without food. I don't think I would have done that on my own. I think God is really trying to work here. Even though, right now, I don't want recovery, I know that you can't stop the work of our great God. BUT, I also know that there will be so many moments during this process where I will fight Him on EVERYTHING, because the idea of "recovery" ties my stomach in knots! Still, I know He is TRYING...and I want to listen! I do! I know that being healthy is something that I NEED and something that God, and so many others in my life WANT for me! I just don't want it for myself yet. I thought I did {{and I think at one point, I really did}}, and I really wish I did. But right now, I don't.
{three} The generosity of the Macri family just keeps growing and growing. Spending any amount of time with Dr. and Mrs. Macri is such an incredible reminder that I am so beyond blessed to be here in their home. They want to help me too, and I can see how much they care...like, really care. It's also great to having Lisa down the hall. I tend to get really lonely if I stay in my room for too long, and it's so nice to be able to go into her room and spend lovely time with her. We may not even do anything at all, but it doesn't matter. Having my best friend right there is more than enough. And we have so much fun...maybe too much fun?? Ha! I love laughing with Lisa :)) Again, another reminder that I am so very blessed.
Yes, God is always good, even when I'm not feeling good.
I have a long road ahead of me still.
But I know He is going to be walking it with me.
And He has placed beautiful, encouraging people in my life to walk it with me as well.
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