mainly because I am too concerned about what people will think of me.
I have read some incredible blogs written by amazing girls who share from the deepest parts of their heart.
Most of the time, I WISH I was brave enough to be that real on my blog.
I hold back from sharing the parts of my life that are difficult to talk about
completely out of fear.
What I'm about to talk about in the next few minutes is NOT something that I share with just anyone. My heart is pounding even as I type this out. I am honestly terrified to talk about this...
and to have this out there, where ANYONE can read it.
Now, inevitably, someone right now is thinking...
"Then why WOULD you share this stuff? If it's too personal, then why put it out in cyberspace for EVERYONE to read?"
I've thought the same thing. But when I thought about it, I feel like this is something I really should share. If there is someone else out there who is going through something similar, my hope is that my story will encourage them, and let them know that they are not alone in their fight.
And I'm gonna be a little bit blunt here...if you read this and think that I'm writing just to get a response, or to find a way to get attention, then you don't know me at all and you should just leave.
There. I said it. :))
Okay, here we go. I'm about to be PAINFULLY honest here.
I've shared this story with A FEW of my very close friends.
But many {actually MOST} of my friends have never heard this story.
As a matter of fact, up until now, I wasn't even able to admit this to myself.
Many people who know me have seen my sudden, dramatic weight loss over the past several months.
The majority of this was due to all of the anxiety, stress, and depression I struggled with...I had no interest in food. Of course, I knew this wasn't healthy. But I couldn't help it. The very idea of food made me sick!
Eventually, as time went by, I was able to go back to eating a little bit more normally.
This should have been a great thing right? I should have been feeling a lot better...less tired, less weak...healthier. Right?
Yeah, I should have. But that's not what happened.
Instead, a very familiar feeling came over me. It consumed me to my very core as I made the mistake of stepping onto the scale...and looked down to see that I had gained 4 pounds.
A surge of panic went through my entire body. The worst part of it was that I didn't understand where it was coming from. Up until that point, my weight was something that I was very happy with. I was comfortable in my own skin. I didn't expect to feel so awful when I looked down to see the "new number". Unfortunately though, it was a feeling that had visited me many, many times before. It was a feeling I knew all too well. I was so sure I had "gotten rid of it"...........
but there it was,
making itself at home in the deepest, darkest parts of my mind & heart.
All of a sudden, it was like a switch flipped in my mind.
All of a sudden, food became the enemy...again.
All of a sudden, my thoughts became toxic...again.
It was nothing new. I had experienced all of this before. I had made the decision before. And whether I wanted to think about it or not, one thing was for certain...
these thoughts never went away.
Sure, I wished them away.
I had convinced myself that I was never going to let it get to this point again.
i was completely kidding myself.
After that I went about my normal life. I even ate normal meals. I ate out a lot. People around me SAW me eat.
I was eating fine {so I thought}. But it came with so much guilt. My insides churned every time I finished a full meal.
{There are plenty more anecdotes to this story. But it would just take way too much time to explain all of it. Besides, all the rest is just minor details anyhow.}
This week, I took a huge step.
I talked about my problem {yes, problem} out loud. I'm not even sure where the courage to talk about it came from. But all of a sudden, there it was! And that has NOT been a familiar feeling!
However, I didn't say the actual word...again, out of fear, I wouldn't say it. I was too ashamed. I couldn't form the word.
So now...*deep breath*...in the hopes that no one will hate me after this...here it is:
ANOREXIA.
I'm looking at the word right now, and I am still having trouble believing it actually exists in me. The shame & guilt associated with this word are making me feel extremely uncomfortable. I keep thinking: is this real? Do I really have this problem? Should I even be talking about this right now? What will people think? I've been trying to make myself a role model for my students and the high school girls in my small group at church? Does this change how people view me?
Here is the reality:
I want to get past this. I want to heal. I want to be healthy. I want to feel better all around...physically and emotionally.
Recently, I have been learning to be more confident in myself...to see myself as beautiful...to see myself through the eyes of people who love me, and most importantly through the eyes of our God.
I have an incredible support system of people around me. I THANK GOD for my friends! And I thankful that GOD knows me better than I know myself, and that He gave me the courage to WANT to fix this.
I know that with time, prayer, and tons of encouragement, I am going to be fine.
TO ANYONE WHO MAY BE STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING DISORDER...
First thing's first...you are not alone.
That sounds so cliche, but it's so true.
Don't allow yourself to suffer alone.
It's one thing to have an eating disorder...it's quite another to suffer on your own.
PRAY, my friend! Ask God to give you courage to face this monster of a disease. If you don't find it right away, ask again. God WANTS you to depend on HIM to get you through this.
Ask Him to bring you to the right people so that you will have support. God created us to depend on each other. He doesn't want us to be alone.
He definitely sent the right people to me!
I promise, friend, He hears you. He sees you suffering. And He doesn't like it. Suffering is NOT from God!
you.are.loved.
This is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. And people may have changed their opinion of me because of it. But, ya know what? I think it's okay that I shared all of this. God doesn't want us to keep our struggles inside. He gave us one another to carry each other through the roughest parts of life. We were never meant to carry our burdens alone. Leaning on each other and on Him is what He wanted from the beginning.
So I choose to do just that. I'm relying on God to help me heal. And for those of you who are willing, I'm asking you to walk this road with me.
healing.
now that sounds like a much better word, doesn't it?
:))
