A HUGE door opened...and I'm walking through it!

I have a new goal for myself...

...and I am so unbelievably excited about it!!

Ready for this??

Drum roll, please... :))

I am writing a book!!

It might sound absolutely crazy, because at some point, most people have tried to write something in their lifetime, or at least they wanted to. But it never worked out for them...for whatever reason...

Maybe they actually started it, but then became discouraged with themselves and gave up. (Understandable!)

Maybe they started and then became unmotivated to finish. (Hey, it happens! I have no problem--anymore--admitting that I don't finish A LOT of projects because I lose the motivation to finish them. Just being honest.)

Maybe their lives just got busy and writing got put on the back burner for too long, so it just never happened.

It doesn't matter what the reason is, because I, myself, have used all of them before, too. My point is that even though the idea may sound a little crazy right now, I am really, genuinely excited about this!

Soooo...what will this book be about, you may ask??

Good question :))

I haven't come up with an official title yet...which is okay.

But it's going to be written specifically for people who have been affected by depression...whether that's someone who has suffered from this horrible MONSTER of a disease, or someone who has watched another person they love suffer through it.

I plan to address depression by going into everything that comes with it...

Examples: Anxiety & panic attacks, feeling unlovable, abandonment from friends & family, eating disorders...so much more.

...because I've been there, done that.

All of that.

In fact, I'm still doing that.

And that's going to be a point that will be EMPHASIZED...that my story is NOT OVER YET.

This is just going to be me sharing experiences that I so long to share and what I am learning from them.

This book will be full of anecdotes from my own personal experiences and also the experiences of other people I know who also deal with this illness on a regular basis (because, believe me, I know some people who have A LOT to offer!).

This book will also address depression from a Biblical standpoint...I still have a lot of thinking and praying to do about this. I am not quite sure how I'm going to fit it all together yet. But hey, nothing says that I need to have all of the answers RIGHT NOW :))

Finally, I am hoping that this book will reach two different audiences.

{first of all}

those who suffer from depression and don't know how to handle it or what to do. I want to help them not only have a better understanding of it, but also to realize that there is HOPE!! Because when we are at our lowest point, it is so easy to feel hopeLESS. And we don't have to! 

My main point to get across: When we are so far down that we cannot even FUNCTION, when we are abandoned from all angles by people we thought we could trust, when we think we are facing the end and there is no way out, God shows Himself in the most incredible ways possible!

{secondly}

those who have watched people suffer from depression and don't know how to handle it or what to do. Because the fact is, if you haven't dealt with it yourself, you could never possibly understand it. I want to show these people that this illness is REAL...and those who suffer from it are those who need to be loved the most. Not abandoned. Which seems to be so easy for people to do...simply because they don't understand.

I truly believe that God has opened a door here. 

He has called me out for this very purpose.

I think I know now (at least to some degree) what my struggles with depression/anxiety/anorexia, etc. have been for. I know that, because of this, God is allowing me to be used as His vessel to help other people who are struggling with the same things.

And through this process, I know that He will continue to work on ME as well. 

When I talked about this idea for a book today, I found myself feeling a sense of enthusiasm that I don't think I've EVER felt before!

I'm so excited! And I can't wait to start!

I don't know how many people would read it, but if it could just reach one person, that would be MORE THAN ENOUGH...and nothing short of a MIRACLE from God!

Because, after all, He gets all the credit.

Blessings & Struggles

I know I promised a post about the experiences at the Ballet Magnificat performance.
I said I would write a big update on Sunday night after the performance.
But I didn't. For a few reasons.
One, I was tired, and so was Lisa. Both of us had a lot on our minds.
Two, I actually left with very, VERY mixed feelings. On one hand I was completely inspired and uplifted by the ballet. I always enjoy this company, especially since I know the owners and a few of the company members. But on the other hand I left feeling a little bit discouraged...because what I really hoped would happen, and prayed might happen, did not happen.

{I don't really want to go into detail about that right now. I know I've been pretty open about sharing things on this blog lately, but this is just something I do not feel a desire to share right now.}

anyway, moving on...

There have been other things that happened this week so far that are definitely worth sharing.

and for these things, I ask for BIG TIME PRAYER!! 

God is really good...always...regardless of any heartache I am experiencing. I know this and believe this from the bottom of my heart. And I can see Him at work right now. 

God sightings/Experiences...

{one} I had a really good conversation with Vince about his faith and God. I had been hoping for a conversation like this for a long time, and the entire time he talked to me, I was begging God to give me words, all the while listening intently. One thing I can say for sure is that God DID give me words to speak. And although I know that nothing can be resolved in one conversation, and although he didn't say much after I was finished talking, I know that our conversation wasn't for nothing, and I anticipate many more talks like that one.

{two} Anorexia is still a dominate thought in my brain. Any of my other struggles always circle around and come back to that. It is so easily triggered by other things. Monday, I struggled terribly with it. I suddenly found myself in a state where I said to myself, "I DO NOT WANT TO GET BETTER!" And I don't think those thoughts are going to go away anytime soon. I sort of made up my mind. However, God found me in the midst of these thoughts. He woke me up on Tuesday morning and I realized that I actually felt pretty good. I was able to sit down and create kind of a "meal plan" for myself so that I wasn't going entirely without food. I don't think I would have done that on my own. I think God is really trying to work here. Even though, right now, I don't want recovery, I know that you can't stop the work of our great God. BUT, I also know that there will be so many moments during this process where I will fight Him on EVERYTHING, because the idea of "recovery" ties my stomach in knots!  Still, I know He is TRYING...and I want to listen! I do! I know that being healthy is something that I NEED and something that God, and so many others in my life WANT for me! I just don't want it for myself yet. I thought I did {{and I think at one point, I really did}}, and I really wish I did. But right now, I don't.

{three} The generosity of the Macri family just keeps growing and growing. Spending any amount of time with Dr. and Mrs. Macri is such an incredible reminder that I am so beyond blessed to  be here in their home. They want to help me too, and I can see how much they care...like, really care. It's also great to having Lisa down the hall. I tend to get  really lonely if I stay in my room for too long, and it's so nice to be able to go into her room and spend lovely time with her. We may not even do anything at all, but it doesn't matter. Having my best friend right there is more than enough. And we have so much fun...maybe too much fun?? Ha! I love laughing with Lisa :)) Again, another reminder that I am so very blessed.

Yes, God is always good, even when I'm not feeling good.

I have a long road ahead of me still.

But I know He is going to be walking it with me.

And He has placed beautiful, encouraging people in my life to walk it with me as well.

Things to come...

God is gonna do something awesome.

He usually does. 

But this time, I have a feeling it's gonna be really, really cool :))

Tomorrow, Lisa & I are going to see

Ballet Magnificat!

I'm really looking forward to it! I never miss them when they come through the area! And I'm looking forward to sharing the experience with my favorite person in the world :))

I truly believe in God-ordained events, and I believe that THIS is going to be one of them. I think it's going to be an incredible experience for both of us. Even though I've seen this company perform several times, it always speaks to me in a new way. And with everything that has been going on in my life lately, I find myself longing (and nervous) to hear what God has to say to me through this ministry.

And I'm really excited, too, to see how other hearts are going to be affected by this.

I love when things like this happen!!

I will write a post about the experience tomorrow.

eeeeeeeeeee!!!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!

And this is what I've been given...

I woke up this morning not feeling at all like myself. There wasn't any particular reason for it...sometimes that's just what happens. I can't say that I feel better right now, but I can say that I feel so completely blessed. And  it's because I'm surrounded by some incredible people right now.

The Macri family are the most unselfish, kindhearted people I have ever met.

I am privileged to be staying with them right now. 

And I think it's about time I wrote a little bit about them so that all of you can know them in some way. I think EVERYONE should be so blessed to know this family!!

First, there's Dr. Paul Macri. He's retired now, but you can see that he still is so passionate about helping other people. My multiple conversations with him have been nothing short of enlightening every single time! He shows a genuine interest in people and truly, TRULY cares about what someone has to say to him. He is definitely a talker, but I love that about him. Because he is so easy to talk to. He makes me feel so comfortable and so at home in his home. And he'll do that for anyone who comes into his home!

Mrs. Pam Macri is the very definition of a Proverbs 31 woman {{read it and take a look especially at verses 25-31. It really doesn't get explained much better than that}}, and she possesses the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is what God calls us out to be as women in 1 Peter 3. She is incredibly generous of heart, and I only ever see her put the needs of others before her own. She is a wonderful example to me of how to truly be a Godly wife and mother. She has done an amazing job of making me feel like part of the family, even before I started living here!  And, just as an added bonus, she is a GREAT cook too :))

Then there's Vince Macri. He does not always say a lot, but when he speaks it is so clear to me how intelligent he is. He is an avid reader and loves to write, and we both share a mutual admiration for the writings of C.S. Lewis. I have never personally read anything that Vince has written, but I hope, someday soon, I will be fortunate enough to. Vince is very "quick-witted" and he has made me laugh {hard!} on more than one occasion. If I could wish one thing for him, it would be to see him stop hurting so deeply. I know that he deals with a great deal of pain, and it makes me so sad to see. It has been such a pleasure for me to get to know him over the past several months, and I have come to really care for him quite a lot. I want to see him happy and healthy. Because that would make ME incredibly happy!

Last, but CERTAINLY not least, there is my dear, sweet Lisa Macri. I have never in my life met anyone like Lisa! From the first day we met back in Februrary, it was as if we had known each other for years. During what has been probably the darkest period of my life, she has practically never left my side. We became friends fast, and although I always say that I don't think ANYONE would have put us together, God KNEW  we were supposed to be friends and that we needed each other. Our meeting was completely God-ordained. I fully believe that. He has blessed our friendship beyond  anything I could say to describe it. I honestly don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have Lisa. And now, I have her just right down the hallway...best blessing in the WORLD! She's God's greatest gift to me. I am her "little sparrow" and she is my "Mama bird"...and in case you didn't know where my blog title came from, you do now! With her as well, all I truly want for her is that she would be happy, REALLY happy. I wish I could make her see herself the way I see her, and even more importantly, how her Heavenly Father sees her.

I love the Macri family a lot! I really do feel like I belong here, and it's been a very long time since I've felt that way. I felt inspired to write about them tonight because on days like today, when I am feeling way less than my best, sitting with them around their kitchen table and just enjoying conversation with them is enough to turn my entire day around. They have a way of livening up your life and they have a way of making you see things differently.

I thank God for them.

All the time.

Daily.