Meaning, since the last time I posted here, I was having more good days than bad ones. Which felt great, of course, but I always wonder how long it's going to last. Or if it's going to last at all
As usual, it was short lived.
I'm backsliding...again.
I've been hearing songs on the radio lately that I just can't even listen to anymore. If they come on, I have to change the station. One of them goes like this:
Even if the healing doesn't come
and life falls apart, and dreams are still undone,
You are God, You are good, forever faithful one...
even if the healing doesn't come.
Do I still believe God is good? Yes of course I do. Do I still believe He is there and faithful? Absolutely.
BUT, I can't handle the idea of "even if the healing doesn't come."
Not just for me, but for my best friend, and ANYONE else who struggles with this horrible illness. Some people overcome it. Some people actually do get healing from it. So why them, and not others?
I've prayed ((no wait...BEGGED)) for God to intervene so many times...in Lisa's life especially. I honestly don't really care about my own anymore. For awhile I thought maybe He was doing something amazing, and I was so excited and grateful for it! But now it seems to be falling apart.
And that seems to be the pattern in my life. Every time something good starts happening, I get excited about it, things are going well, and I'm happy...WITHOUT FAIL, something comes along to derail it. And that's a struggle I don't want to try and handle anymore.
Another one of those songs goes like this:
You can never fall too hard, so fast, so far
that you can't get back when you lost where you are.
It's never too late, so bad, so much
that you can't change who you are.
Now, don't get me wrong...I'm NOT BY ANY MEANS TRYING TO DIMINISH SOMEONE ELSE'S PAIN! I know how that feels. I would never do that.
However, it just seems like the people who wrote these songs may have definitely gone through hard times...but their faith was strong enough to get them through it.
What about those of us whose faith is just not that strong? Or even if it is, we've waited, and waited, and waited for something to happen, and it never does. Or we hope in vain because even when we think we see something good on the horizon, it disappears as quickly as it seemed to come.
I lack strength to pray. And now that I've been fighting a battle that is not even mine, I'm feeling more drained than ever. Which is my own fault...I let myself get there. I haven't learned how to separate myself from other people's struggles yet.
Lisa is "war-weary". She's had to fight for too long.
Others I know and care about are hanging by a thread too.
These are the moments where I say, "Where are You? Any why do others get victory over this and we don't?"
No amount of "self talk" helps.
Praying doesn't seem like enough...especially considering that I can't even do that right now.
Nothing works.
I'm stuck.
I would really appreciate other people's prayers since I can't do that right now. Thank you :))
