Wanting to just TRUST!

I just got back from seeing the movie "Soul Surfer"...
For those of you who may not be familiar, it is the true story of Bethany Hamilton, a surfer who was attacked by a shark and lost her arm, but still she went on to be a professional surfer! This didn't come easily for her though, she endured a lot of struggles and a lot of heartache. She questioned why it was happening to her and she dealt with a lot of anger.  But the thing that struck me the most was that she never, not once, directed her anger at God. She grew up having faith in God, and of all things that could make her faith waver, this would do it! But her faith did NOT waver. Almost immediately after her attack while she was lying in her hospital bed she was asking, "When can I surf again?" and she was quoting Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
My point here is that she TRUSTED God...even when she wondered "how could this be His plan for me?" still she trusted Him.  And He took her through some amazing things in the weeks that followed that changed her perspective and only challenged her further to get back in the water and continue surfing.
I don't think once, in my whole life, have I EVER fully given my trust to the Lord. Oh, I've said it before, "Lord, I am willing to take whatever you have for me. Do with me what you will. I trust you." I said it over and over again...but I think I mostly repeated it to convince myself. Then I would write about my "commitment" to God in my journal...again to convince myself, thinking that if I saw it in writing, it would be real. Then I'd tell someone that I finally got right with God (again)...once again, although not consciously, wanting to convince myself. Maybe if I said it out loud to someone, it would be for real.  But it seems like I always just fail in this area.  My faith has just never been secure.  It's not that I don't believe in God and every story in the Bible that I've known since I was a little girl! But is it enough to just believe in Bible stories? It would be so easy to say that I believe in everything that God's word has for ME too...but the deepest truth is that sometimes, I don't think I do...in fact, sometimes I'm not even sure it's for me.
After watching Bethany's story, I left feeling so encouraged, so motivated, and so inspired! It made me want to make a REAL commitment to God, and not have it be just on the surface. A deep commitment and trust of ANY kind scares me to death...so putting my full trust in the One who is supposed to be in complete control feels like it's taking all control away from me, and that scares me too much. I've never been able to give in to that.
My earthly relationships suffer from this fear too. I've never been able to fully trust anyone, the result of a big letdown. I withhold and distance so much of myself from people to the point where I am rarely able to connect with people on any kind of deep level.  And I do the same thing with God.  I have never allowed myself to connect with Him on a deep level.
I keep saying I want to change this part of my life...in my relationships on earth, and in my relationship with God. I want to stop being afraid. I want to have the strength and determination that Bethany had...I want to trust like she did. So why is my flesh so much more powerful than this desire? Where's the willpower to just give in to these constant fears and doubts crowding my mind? I can't find it.