At this time last year

It certainly has been awhile since the last time I wrote a blog entry.  I had such a busy summer that I think I kind of forgot about this blog.
And now summer is over and I am back in Mishawaka...preparing for the first day of my senior year of college...the last first day I will ever have. It seems so strange to think about! I only have one more year and I am DONE!
Today, on the ride over, I thought about how excited I am.  I thought about all of the goals I am going to be working towards this year.  I thought about all of the opportunities I am getting after I graduate.  I thought about living in my beautiful house off campus, my amazing roommates, and seeing all of my friends whom I've missed so much! I am so excited and so happy to be going back!  Then I thought...what a HUGE contrast from last year!
Around this time last year my heart was aching.  I had just finished a wonderful summer. I spent some lovely time with some lovely people...time that seemed so short, as I had to say goodbye to them as they all left town, until next summer.  I had also discovered what I really wanted to do with my life (I haven't changed my mind since) and it was NOT what I was currently studying to do.  I was in a really bad place spiritually and emotionally.  I had absolutely no desire to return to school and I was not excited about it at all.  And after a rough year the previous year, I felt really disconnected with all of the people there, so I really didn't feel excited to see anyone.
I came back to school a little earlier last year, and no one was really on campus yet. So one day, I sat down by the pond, alone, and discovered that I just couldn't hold back the hurt that seemed to overflow my heart...and it finally poured over.  I couldn't stop myself from missing people, missing my summer experiences, and hurting because I couldn't do what I really loved.  I cried for about an hour until my head ached and my emotions felt raw.  Although I did feel a sense of release, I really didn't know what to do with myself after that.
I went through the school year feeling like I was floating around with no direction. There were some points that I was fine...at least in my head...but my heart was never fine. I don't think I prayed much at all, because prayer scared me.  I was trying to do it all on my own.  I really should have asked God for direction...maybe then I wouldn't have felt so lost. And there were so many other issues that I SHOULD have worked through. But there is no point in wishing, because that year has already come and gone.
So now we come to this year.  There is still a lot going on in my head and a lot of "issues" that need to be resolved in my life.  But I am surprisingly happy right now, in spite of missing people so much!  I am very happy to be back in Mishawaka, Indiana...living in this house, getting back to the music department (choir, opera class, voice lessons, etc.).  I feel like I have a GOAL now...something to work towards...a sense of direction that I NEVER had before now.  I also have been sensing a lot of "God tugs" on my heart and I think I am finally ready to hear from Him...well, okay, maybe that still scares me...but I'm in completely different mindset about it than I have been for the past couple of years.
So here I go...I'm diving in.
I'm going to learn how to work through the struggles in my life.
I'm going to reconnect with the friends that I held at a distance over the past two years.
I'm going to get my heart right with the Lord...and try to get past all of the doubts in my head.

I really need for this to be a good year. I need a good year. I think if I keep the above promises to myself, it really will be! It'll be the best senior year I could ask for!