A Reason to Break the Silence

I'm taking a chance and stepping out to write another very difficult entry here. 

Back in September, I wrote a post about my struggle with an eating disorder. It was absolutely the most difficult thing I had ever done. It was scary for me to be so vulnerable...but necessary at the same time.

{If you didn't read my story, take time to read it RIGHT HERE!!}

For a good while, I was glad I blogged about my story. I believe that our lives & our hearts are meant to be shared, and when we are in our darkest moments, we need the support of other people around us. I also wanted to use my story to help someone else who may have been struggling. And even after writing about it, I was still very vocal and open about my eating disorder. I didn't want to just keep holding onto it and lying about it. I had spent way to much time doing that.

But after awhile, I wondered if writing that entry and choosing to be so transparent was a mistake.

Even though people acted very supportive and understanding, I could still see some of their stunned reactions and how they shied away from me quickly after they found out. although that didn't happen with everyone. i was very grateful for the ones who truly were sincere.

So, I decided to keep silent again. 

And a couple of weeks ago when a new trigger threatened to cause a "relapse", I chose to tell no one, figuring I would either deal with it myself, or not deal with it at all. For a few days, my answer was to not even deal with it. I let myself revert back to old habits and went without food. And I didn't even understand it. I had been doing so well. I was recovering well. I was eating full meals and enjoying them. I didn't understand why it was so easy for me to fall back into this again.

Nothing about it felt good. Especially since I was keeping it to myself.

THEN...

a couple of days ago...

my friend Bellinda received some difficult news about a friend of hers with cancer.

I won't share all of the details here. But I'll tell you what struck me the most...

He lost ten pounds in a week...because he COULDN'T eat.

couldn't eat.

It was like someone grabbed me and shook me...hard! I had never || ever || felt so guilty for what I had been thinking!

I had a horrible moment of thinking, "What on earth is wrong with me?" How is it that while he is suffering and unable to eat, I am choosing not to eat? While he is so sick and losing weight so fast because he doesn't have a choice, I risk MAKING myself sick [again] in order to lose weight fast and I DO have a choice! 

I knew then, I couldn't keep up the silence. I had to talk about what I was feeling. So I did. And it was the biggest weight off of my shoulders! Finally having support again gave me strength to face this again. 

So that's what I'm doing...facing it.

Now, of course I have to recognize that anorexia is still an illness. And I won't be overcoming it by feeling guilty all the time. It is a result of major anxiety and self image issues that I need to address first, because the fact is that I can't help feeling the way I sometimes do. 

I really would love to see a therapist, but I can't afford it for the time being. 

And that's why I'm choosing to break my silence. Because the fact is, I need the support if I'm going to face this. I know how up and and down it's going to be. Because that's how it's always been. Take today for example...today I ate very well. I felt good about it and I was motivated by it. Tomorrow could be a whole different story. Food could easily become frightening to me again.

So...

here we are again friends.

I'm here to say that I'm going to start working on this, again. I am confident that through the support & prayer of friends & family who love me...&& eventually with therapy...I can get past this once and for all.  

And please believe me when I say, I WANT THIS! Truly! Even on the days when I make it very clear that I have no desire to work at it {and I will have days like that}, I do want to find healing.

I am very blessed and thankful to have friends who choose to walk alongside of me. Thank you for allowing me to share about this difficult topic in my life. And, most importantly thank you for STAYING!