Needing to be honest & a little harsh

I have an early flight in the morning.
And right now it is 12:33 AM.

I should be so happy right now. So excited. So ready. I'm going HOME finally. I get to do all of the things I've missed, and see all of the people I've missed.

I've been over the moon about this for a whole week now! I've had a lot of [happy] butterflies in my stomach. I've been ready for this. I AM ready for this!

But right now...

I'm afraid to go to sleep. Really. Like, afraid. Terrified even.
I had a [small...thankfully] panic attack over my flight. Not the flight itself...I've flown enough to be used to the actual experience of flying...but the process that happens the day before the flight. Packing, checking in online, printing boarding passes...

...making sure everything is...well...PERFECT. SET. READY. NO MISTAKES.
Because if there are any mistakes, something will go wrong. And if something goes wrong, then...then...then...

It doesn't matter what the "then" is. It could be several things actually. But it doesn't matter. The cycle begins and I haven't learned how to make it stop. So it starts, snowballs, and grows and grows until my heart rate goes up, my temperature fluctuates, and my hands, feet, & face begin to go numb. I'm suddenly panicking.
Usually when I get to this point I can talk myself down from it. I also have medicine that helps to slow down the panic, within minutes! Thankfully, this was not as bad as it has gotten in the past.
However, it's bad enough to prevent me from going to sleep. And that's because my biggest fears tend to manifest themselves in my dreams. I am afraid of having nightmares about flying. I wasn't thinking about this at all before, but my brain went there just within the past several minutes. It's one of the many "curses" of having anxiety disorder.

So why am I telling you all of this?

Well, I guess I just want people to see how REAL this is. And if you've never experienced it before, you have no idea what it's like. I haven't experienced a panic attack since before I left to come to Florida. I actually thought they were over. And since I've been in FL, I've been completely ashamed of my anxiety. I've always tried to tell people about it and what it's like, but lately I've just felt like there's really no point. People aren't going to get it unless they suffer from this themselves. I'm honestly getting tired of hearing people say, "Oh, just replace the negative thoughts with something positive." or "You just need to stay positive...be happy with yourself." As if it's THAT EASY!! If it was that simple, don't you think I would have tried that already? Don't you think I haven't thought of that? Do you realize how much time I spend inside my head, trying...so...hard to rid myself of the negative thoughts? And I can't! CAN'T! C-A-N-'T! If I could control it...if I had a way to make it go away...believe me, I would be doing it.

This doesn't happen because I want attention {as if I would want to MAKE this happen!}.

This doesn't happen because I'm too "self absorbed".

And the worst part, is that this is how people see it.

I really hope people read this, and "hear me" when I say that G.A.D (generalized anxiety disorder) is a physiological AND physical issue that I can't control by simply "thinking positively". It takes a lot of work and good medication. And I'm not ashamed of that. So why do people constantly feel the need to minimize my pain, criticize the way I talk about it, and make me feel guilty for experiencing the things I do? For thinking the way that I do? When I can't help it!

I know this post seems harsh and angry. I think it's mostly because I'm so tired. So I do apologize for that. But I just really want people to be aware of the reality here.  

And now it's time to TRY and go to sleep. And if nightmares happen...well, I guess I will figure out how to deal with them in the morning.

Good night, everyone. Thank you for reading.